It’s Draft Week in the NFL, and mock drafts have been taking over sports feeds across the world, trying to guess what the general managers of teams will do. Those picks, of course, disregard any possibility of people acting like Kevin Costner in the movie Draft Day or the real Browns by wheeling and dealing picks to trade up or trade out.
But everyone does a mock draft with an idea of which picks will best benefit each team. For the 2015 Draft, we have created the exact opposite: the worst possible picks in the first round for each and every team. Pray that your team’s general manager doesn’t make us right.
Pick #1: Tampa Bay Buccaneers take wide receiver Amari Cooper
Mike Evans was a great pick for the Bucs last year, so why not grab another receiver this time around? Who cares if you don’t have a quarterback that can hold onto the ball?
Pick #2: Tennessee Titans take outside linebacker Dante Fowler Jr.
What the Titans really need is to make signing Brian Orakpo for all that money look even more ridiculous by starting a rookie in his place.
Pick #3: Jacksonville Jaguars take quarterback Jameis Winston
The Jaguars seem to have struck gold with their pick last year, Blake Bortles. But Jacksonville management may think that their drafting of a legitimate quarterback is just dream that they’ll soon wake up from… with Blaine Gabbert looming over them.
Pick #4: Oakland Raiders take kicker Kyle Brindza
The Raiders have already filled up most of their holes with has-been stars. So the only logical thing to do is grab up Sebastian Janikowski’s eventual replacement as early in the draft as possible.
Pick #5: Washington Redskins take quarterback Marcus Mariota
It’s not an official season in Washington these days unless there are at least four players involved in a quarterback controversy.
Pick #6: New York Jets take cornerback Trae Waynes
Taking a defensive back in the first round in memory of Rex Ryan.
Pick #7: Chicago Bears take offensive guard Lakin Tomlinson
The Bears have to protect Jay Cutler long enough to see that Alshon Jefferey is triple covered and be able to dump it off to Martellus Bennett or Matt Forte.
Pick #8: Atlanta Falcons take running back Todd Gurley
Nothing confuses a team more than having all the running backs. With Steven Jackson gone, someone needs to finally replace Michael Turner.
Pick #9: New York Giants take wide receiver DeVante Parker
The Giants had a good thing going with picking Odell Beckham Jr. in the first round last year. Why not give it another try? The offensive and defensive lines can wait.
Pick #10: St. Louis Rams take running back Melvin Gordon
It’s not a Jeff Fisher team unless he’s replacing the bell-cow running back of last season with a rookie to confuse both defenses and fans.
Pick #11: Minnesota Vikings take quarterback Garrett Grayson
It isn’t the Minnesota Vikings without a new up-and-coming quarterback starting when last year’s up-and-comer is injured.
Pick #12: Cleveland Browns take quarterback Brett Hundley
This pick will happen after the Browns trade up to trade down to end up at the exact same place in the draft order. So of course it has to be more backpedaling by taking another read-option quarterback like Johnny Manziel, just bigger. Much bigger.
Pick #13: New Orleans Saints take cornerback P.J. Williams
A defensive back in the first round is the perfect way for the Saints to help defensive coordinator Rob Ryan stick it to his twin brother.
Pick #14: Miami Dolphins take defensive tackle Eddie Goldman
No one in the Dolphins organization can believe they got Ndamukong Suh, either. Just in case this is all a dream, might as well pick up another DT.
Pick #15: San Francisco 49ers take inside linebacker Eric Kendricks
If there’s one thing Jim Tomsula knows, it’s backing up the defensive front. If there’s one thing the 49ers don’t need to worry about, it’s backing up the defensive front with more linebackers.
Pick #16: Houston Texans take defensive end Shane Ray
Look how far the Texans came without Matt Schaub at quarterback. Just think how far they’ll go by stacking even more defense up behind Brian Hoyer? Forget about the secondary. If the Texans bull-rush quarterbacks fast enough, they won’t ever get a chance to throw the ball.
Pick #17: San Diego Chargers take strong safety Landon Collins
Sure, the Chargers secondary was great last year. But if this offseason is any indication of the Chargers’ plans, it’s this: if it’s not broke, fill it up until it is.
Pick #18: Kansas City Chiefs take wide receiver Kevin White
With Dwayne Bowe gone, Alex Smith needs another big receiver to not throw the ball to down the field.
Pick #19 (from Buffalo): Cleveland Browns take quarterback Bryce Petty
Eventually one of the quarterbacks the Browns pick will shine if they pick up enough of them, right? RIGHT?
Pick #20: Philadelphia Eagles take OSU assistant coach/defensive coordinator Chris Ash
Don’t tell Chip Kelly what he can and can’t do!
Pick #21: Cincinnati Bengals take running back Jay Ajayi
The more the Bengals overload the backfield, the less Andy Dalton will be forced to throw the ball.
Pick #22: Pittsburgh Steelers take wide receiver Jaelen Strong
The loss of the Steelers’ entire defense means that head coach Mike Tomlin should turn this team into the Indianapolis Colts during the Peyton Manning days: blitz them with offense and pray for your defense.
Pick #23: Detroit Lions take wide receiver Dorial Green-Beckham
The Lions are eventually going to have to replace Calvin Johnson or Calvin Johnson’s knee.
Pick #24: Arizona Cardinals take cornerback Byron Jones
Because at the end of the play, the offense has to get past the secondary to score. The Arizona Cardinals might as well make their secondary a giant wall.
Pick #25: Carolina Panthers take tight end Maxx Williams
Time to sell high on that Gregg Olsen guy. Here’s his replacement in case Cam Newton can’t run or throw the ball down the field.
Pick #26: Baltimore Ravens take running back Ameer Abdullah
This whole Justin Forsett thing can’t be real.
Pick #27: Dallas Cowboys take quarterback Kyle Allen
Jerry Jones missed the boat on Johnny Manziel. This time he’s taking no chances on losing a Texas A&M quarterback, even if he’s ineligible for the draft like sophomore Kyle Allen is.
Pick #28: Denver Broncos take offensive tackle Andrus Peat
Because Peyton Manning said so. It’s probably his last season. Let him try out this whole “general manager” gig.
Pick #29: Indianapolis Colts take quarterback Sean Mannion
After three seasons with Andrew Luck and no Super Bowl to show for it, it’s time to look toward the future. Again.
Pick #30: Green Bay Packers take wide receiver Breshad Perriman
Because Aaron Rodgers can never have too many options to throw the ball to.
Pick #31 (from Seattle): New Orleans Saints take tight end Clive Walford
You can’t take Jimmy Graham away from Drew Brees and not replace him with the exact pick that you got for him in a trade with the Seattle Seahawks.
Pick #32: New England Patriots take quarterback Chris Bonner
Who? Exactly what they were saying when the New England Patriots picked up Tom Brady all those years ago. Why wait until the sixth round when you can knock this draft pick out at the beginning?
Patrick Emmel is a sports humorist who once punted a soccer ball fifty yards to his teammate, who then scored the only goal for his college intramural soccer team’s season. Seriously, that kick was placed PERFECTLY. He is also still a believer that Colt McCoy is going to break out as an NFL quarterback. You can read more of his obnoxious commentary at This Jeer In Sports and heckle him on Twitter @Patrick_AE.