Asinine Football Analysis: Championship Playoff Preview

With the AFC and NFC conference championships nearing, we must now say goodbye to Saturday football until next season.

I, for one, am a bit relieved. It’s hard enough explaining why I only leave the house on Sunday for pizza. It’s really hard to explain why I don’t leave the house for the whole weekend. You can only say, “I’m under the weather” so much before people start telling you to see a doctor.

These are the last relevant games of the season before the Super Bowl. These are the conference championships of asinine analysis.

Kam Chancellor #31 of the Seattle Seahawks runs a 90 yard touchdown off of an interception

Kam Chancellor (Photo Credit: Steve Dykes/Getty Images)

Sunday, January 18

Green Bay Packers @ Seattle Seahawks

Last week, I watched two different quarterbacks in two different games hobble around in the same way. Luckily for the Green Bay Packers, Aaron Rodgers is only a little over a year into his thirties. That other quarterback, who goes by the name Peyton Manning, is a hair away from his forties. For those of you who think that seven years shouldn’t make a difference, I invite you to go to your local gym and have a friend swing a punching bag into you for five hours. Now imagine that happening four months a year for seven years. Seems like it would be a little hard to walk, much less run or throw a football.

To put it mildly, Aaron Rodgers was awesome, even if he was limping around in the pocket. But that wasn’t the biggest realization I have had. My biggest realization is that Olivia Munn is the perfect girlfriend. Her boyfriend (allegedly at the moment) is playing a home playoff game, and she is nowhere to be seen. She has her own life and career to deal with. Or she doesn’t feel the need to take the spotlight away from Rodgers. Or maybe this relationship is more legit than any America’s Sweethearts setup, given their ability to not be caught together for the cameras.

Sorry. Just had to get that off my chest. So… football!

The last time that the Green Bay Packers visited the Seattle Seahawks wasn’t pretty. It was the first game of the season, and the Seahawks beat the Packers 36-16. No Packers running back cracked 40 yards rushing. Rodgers didn’t crack 200 yards passing, and had as many interceptions as touchdowns: 1. The Seahawks punted only twice in nine drives. It was the type of game that had sports pundits feeling validated that the Seahawks could pull off a Super Bowl repeat and made fantasy football players who drafted Eddie Lacy in the first round give up on the season.

I think we’ll be seeing more of the same for this game, and then some. Considering the Packers were decimated in Week 1 with a healthy Aaron Rodgers, and now he’ll be limping up to the line, the Seahawks defense that proved me wrong last week could be in for another big day.

Buy NFL gear for your favorite team.

Tom Brady #12 of the New England Patriots runs in for a touchdown.

Tom Brady (Photo Credit: Maddie Meyer/Getty Images)

Indianapolis Colts @ New England Patriots

People say that Andrew Luck is such a nice guy that he congratulates and practically thanks defensive players for hitting him. But judging by last week, we can say that he values winning over being nice. If Luck were nice, he would have allowed the world yet another Manning vs. Brady Bowl. But nooooo. He had to show the world that the Indianapolis Colts jettisoning Peyton Manning for the #1 “Suck for Luck” draft pick was a good idea by leading the Colts to the AFC Championship game. That was the first domino. Coach John Fox was subsequently dumped. Jack Del Rio is looking towards Oakland. Peyton Manning is pondering if it’s more painful to get sacked or to do Papa John’s commercials for another year. And almost everyone on the team is a free agent. Look what you did, Andrew Luck! You ruined the Denver Broncos!

Now Andrew Luck looks to steal a little more of Peyton Manning’s identity by taking over the future Hall of Famer’s rivalry with New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. Now all Andrew Luck needs to do is shave, have a brother playing in the NFC and break all of the NFL quarterback records. No problem.

Meanwhile, Tom Brady is starting to get as snarky as his wife, Gisele Bundchen, as he sarcastically stated that Ravens coach John Harbaugh should open up a rule book before complaining about alleged “deception” on the field. Hey, it’s not Tom’s fault that the officials didn’t stop play like they’ve done to the Philadelphia Eagles in order to call out eligibility.

It’s Luck vs. Brady: Round 2 in the playoffs. Loser shaves.

Check out other Asinine Football Analyses.

Read more from The Fan.

Patrick Emmel is a sports humorist who once punted a soccer ball fifty yards to his teammate, who then scored the only goal for his college intramural soccer team’s season. Seriously, that kick was placed PERFECTLY. He is also still a believer that Colt McCoy is going to break out as an NFL quarterback. You can read more of his obnoxious commentary at This Jeer In Sports and heckle him on Twitter @Patrick_AE.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

More From Tailgate Fan

CBS Sports Radio RoundupWe take you around the dial for the best in sports talk radio from across the country!
WATCH: Tailgating Doesn't Get Any WilderIowa and Michigan State square off in the Big Ten Championship. And the tailgating is wilder than the game.
WATCH: Party Like Ducks And TreesOregon edged Stanford on the field, but the tailgating winner was too close to call.

Listen Live