For the past nine weeks, we’ve learned a lot about our football teams. We learned what makes them tick, and what makes them ticking time bombs. We learned if they were going to coast into the playoffs, fight for their lives or start scouting the 2015 NFL Draft. We learned Johnny Manziel’s phone number. We even learned that Jets fans not only root for the Jets, but fly jets, too.
What’s in store for the rest of the season? I don’t know, but I’ll keep taking it week by week. This is week 10 of asinine football analysis.
Thursday, November 6
Cleveland Browns @ Cincinnati Bengals
It took ten weeks, but we finally have round one in the yearly battle for Ohio between the Cleveland Browns and the Cincinnati Bengals. This is one of the most complicated rivalries in NFL history because the Browns were named after their first head coach, Paul Brown. The Cincinnati Bengals stadium is named Paul Brown stadium after Paul Brown, who co-founded the Bengals and was their first coach. Yes, these two Paul Browns are the same.
Unfortunately, the state of Ohio has already been won for the year by LeBron James and his return to the Cavaliers, so this is really just a football game.
Over/Under on references/shots of LeBron James: 5
Sunday, November 9
Kansas City Chiefs @ Buffalo Bills
The Kansas City Chiefs’ tour through the AFC East will finally come to an end, to the relief of only those teams in the AFC East. Hey, why would the Chiefs want it to end? They are 3-0 so far, with a win over the Bills just on the horizon. If they relocated, they’d probably be 7-1 by now.
The only thing standing in the way of the Chiefs is Kyle Orton’s mustache and the Bills defense. Will Orton match up to the great lip-brow of coach Andy Reid? Will the loser be forced to shave?
Miami Dolphins @ Detroit Lions
It’s really scary when a team has an awesome record and they aren’t even at full strength. This is the way it’s going for the Detroit Lions. Megatron has been grounded for almost the whole season, but Matthew Stafford has learned that he can chuck the ball up to any receiver as long as he’s accurate. Recently those passes have been going to Golden Tate III. Yes, I’m bothering with the numerals for the “3rd” because someone had to bother sewing them onto his jersey.
The Miami Dolphins have the same sort of health issues, losing their running backs more quickly than I lose in pickup basketball games. At 5-3, I think it’s safe to say that they’re holding their own better than I do.
Dallas Cowboys @ Jacksonville Jaguars
Come on. How stereotypical do we have to be by sending a team named the Cowboys to London? Americans have fought to separate themselves from the caricature of wearing cowboy boots and saying “y’all” for decades. We finally did it. And now all of that hard work will be for nothing.
To make matters worse, this is an evening game in London, which means it’s back to our regularly scheduled 1pm game on the East Coast and not a nice, early morning football game that we all loved the last time.
San Francisco 49ers @ New Orleans Saints
If you or someone you know is a 49ers fan, please, don’t hesitate to reach out for help.
Every year, millions of football fans go through the painful shifting of a team roster. Sometimes this has to do with age, like with Frank Gore. Sometimes this has to do with coaching, like with Colin Kaepernick. Other times it has to do with bone-headed actions off the field, like with Aldon Smith.
What is important is that you know that you are not alone. However, when if you’re sharing your sadness with fans of the Raiders, Jets and Titans, you may wish that you were alone.
Tennessee Titans @ Baltimore Ravens
It’s nice to see the Titans settling in on player positions. It took a while, but they finally have what Ken Whisenhunt always wanted: a team made up of rookie and sophomore players that he can groom to his own standards. It may not have worked in Arizona, but this time Whisenhunt’s going to get it right!
And when he does, you can bet that he will leave the foundation for another high-profile quarterback to pick up and win, like Carson Palmer is doing right now. Ooooh, BURN!
Pittsburgh Steelers @ New York Jets
With the Pittsburgh Steelers coming to play the Jets, the question that has been circulating in New York more than airplanes over the Jets practice field isn’t, “Can the Jets win?” Even Jets fans are past that point. They may even be past the point in asking who their quarterback should be.
No, the real question in New York is if the ratio of Steelers fans will overpower Jets fans at the game. That’s right, I’m calling you out, Jets fans! Show us how you are all “mighty!”
Atlanta Falcons @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
You know your team is in trouble when fantasy football teams start dropping your star receiver because they don’t believe the quarterback will be upright long enough to throw him the ball. That’s the way it went down in one of my leagues. There was Julio Jones, just sitting there on the waiver wire minding his own business. I was lucky enough to pick him up because I forgot to deal with the waiver wire for the past two weeks, and was at the top of the list.
Here’s hoping Matt Ryan can complete a three step drop-back before getting run over by Lovie Smith’s defense.
Denver Broncos @ Oakland Raiders
Those poor Broncos. Every time they get into a winning grove, they get tripped up by a team. And they don’t just lose. The Broncos get annihilated. It happened in the Super Bowl against the Seahawks, and it happened last week against the Patriots. All the records in the world can’t take away the hurt Peyton Manning probably felt with that beating.
I kind of feel bad for the Raiders. You know the Broncos are going to try to get back on track by putting up obscene numbers at their expense.
St. Louis Rams @ Arizona Cardinals
The Rams really are amazing. With back-to-back divisional wins against the Seahawks and the 49ers (and a loss to the Chiefs sandwiched in there), the Rams don’t look horrible. But there is a 3-5 record staring them in the face with no star player in sight. This is a team. Jeff Fisher made sure of that by sucking the football life out of Zac Stacy, like Daryl Richardson before him.
Now the Rams take on the last of the divisional opponents, the Arizona Cardinals, to see if they can play spoiler for yet another team with playoff aspirations.
New York Giants @ Seattle Seahawks
Nothing can make you feel older than getting stuck while trying to pull a flag out of your sock. But that’s Tom Coughlin, a coach who’s older than most team owners. I remember the days when we didn’t have fanny packs! If we didn’t have pockets, we’d roll our money up in our socks. Sometimes I had five whole dollar bills rolled up in there when I was on the way to the soda shop from the beach! Those were the days…
With the New York Giants visiting the Seattle Seahawks, Tom Coughlin better hang that challenge flag from his ear so he doesn’t forget about it.
Chicago Bears @ Green Bay Packers
Obviously the NFL was sneaky when they decided to give the Bears and Packers the same bye week, the week before they play each other. What better way to fuel a rivalry than to let it stew for two weeks before it is released upon the masses. I can only imagine the beer drinking and swearing that has led up to this game.
It may not be as much swearing as what has been going on in the Bears locker room during their painful trip through the AFC East, but it is probably close. Maybe the Bears just need Aaron Rodgers to tell them, “Relax.”
Monday, November 10th
Carolina Panthers @ Philadelphia Eagles
Philadelphia Eagles fans won’t be the only people watching this game. Okay, maybe some Panthers fans will, too, but there will probably be a lot more Jets fans following this game.
The reason? Mark Sanchez is starting for the Eagles. The same Mark Sanchez who led the Jets to two AFC Championships. The same Mark Sanchez who was sent packing because the Jets thought they had a better quarterback. Better at what, I’m not sure.
Patrick Emmel is a sports humorist who once punted a soccer ball fifty yards to his teammate, who then scored the only goal for his college intramural soccer team’s season. Seriously, that kick was placed PERFECTLY. He is also still a believer that Colt McCoy is going to break out as an NFL quarterback. You can read more of his obnoxious commentary at This Jeer In Sports and heckle him on Twitter @Patrick_AE.