It’s week 7 in the NFL, and the Peyton Watch is still going strong. Yes, even after playing against the New York Jets, Peyton Manning is still two touchdowns shy of tying Brett Favre’s record. In true Peyton style, the quarterback doesn’t seem to care about the record. He just wants that second Super Bowl win, which is much more elusive than shattering almost all of the quarterback records of the NFL.
But it’s not all about Peyton Manning this week, or this season, no matter how it may seem as I constantly talk about him. Here is this week’s asinine analysis of all those other football players and teams, whoever they are.
Thursday, October 15
New York Jets @ New England Patriots
Don’t worry, Jets fans, the gauntlet is almost over. Just one more game against an elite team, and the Jets can finally take a break and play some teams that they have a better chance to beat. Like… Minnesota, or Tennessee. That would make it a three-win season, which probably won’t get them into the playoffs. Maybe next year’s schedule will be a little easier.
The New England Patriots? They are who we thought they were. They may have come out of the gate slower than Tom Brady, but they’re back at the top of the AFC East again. They lost Stevan Ridley to injury, but that just means another running back to cause fantasy football team managers more angst.
Over/Under on butt-fumbles: 1
Sunday, October 19
Atlanta Falcons @ Baltimore Ravens
The Falcons have reverted to form a little more quickly than usual this season. They came out of the gate looking like they were ready to get back into the playoffs, and have slowed down to the point where they were at last season with an injured Julio Jones. Blame Atlanta’s woes on the offensive line and the defense.
The Baltimore Ravens will showcase their Ray Rice replacement, Justin Forsett, all game long, since Joe Flacco can’t be exciting two weeks in a row.
Tennessee Titans @ Washington Redskins
It’s a battle of backup quarterbacks between the Titans and Redskins! Normally that wouldn’t be too exciting, but these are two interesting players, for all the wrong reasons.
Charlie Whitehurst has one of the weirdest hair buns in the world today, and that includes all of those crazy braids that women but their hair up in. Kirk Cousins can’t separate himself from Robert Griffin III’s ability to look awesome in games that the Redskin lose by only a few points, and horrible in games that the Redskins lose by lots of points. I’m not the best in the mock analysis business for nothing!
Seattle Seahawks @ St. Louis Rams
The Seattle Seahawks lost at home? Against the Cowboys? Without Richard Sherman complaining? Wait, Richard Sherman said something nice about Dez Bryant? Is this Insanity World!?
I guess we all need a break from drama now and then, like the Seahawks will have against the St. Louis Rams. Then again, the Rams have a way of figuring out the Seahawks at home, which is more likely than me figuring out the running back situation of the Rams. Maybe coach Jeff Fisher mesmerizes Pete Carroll with his mustache.
Cleveland Browns @ Jacksonville Jaguars
It seems that Brian Hoyer is officially “the guy” in Cleveland. He even has a sponsorship from a local sandwich store. Sure, it’s not Nike or Under Armor, but when your jersey isn’t even available for sale at the beginning of the season, you have to take what you can get.
On the Jaguars side, no one is getting any sponsorships with an 0-6 record. But really, this is the best 0-6 record I have ever seen, so you have to respect the Jaguars for that.
Cincinnati Bengals @ Indianapolis Colts
It seems that Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict is training to fight in MMA. He sure has the ankle-lock submission down perfectly, applying it to Greg Olsen and Cam Newton.
Now he has the chance to apply it to Ahmad Bradshaw of the Colts, who has been due for a problem ever since he lasted longer than a week. Here’s hoping that doesn’t happen.
Minnesota Vikings @ Buffalo Bills
You would think that the Curse of Norv is in full effect with the Vikings at a 2-4 record, but you would be incorrect. You can’t blame Norv when he has to work with two running backs when he used to have both those running backs in one player, Adrian Peterson. It’s just as hard to feature an injured tight end and a second-year receiver being fed by a rookie quarterback. Norv didn’t fail you, Minnesota. You failed Norv.
Meanwhile, the Bills are being trolled by Donald Trump, who is doing his best to make sure he is never considered to buy an NFL team again.
The @nfl games are so boring now that actually, I’m glad I didn’t get the Bills. Boring games, too many flags, too soft!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 13, 2014
Hasn’t he seen Kyle Orton’s mustache? There’s nothing soft about that.
New Orleans Saints @ Detroit Lions
With Jimmy Graham out, the New Orleans Saints will once again try to remember how to use wide receivers. I really think that the reason Drew Brees is always throwing to Graham is because that’s the only player Brees can see over the offensive and defensive lines. Maybe he needs a footstool or something.
Unfortunately, even a footstool may not help, since the Detroit Lions are eating offenses up at home. And that’s without Ndamukong Suh actually eating anyone, or biting, kicking, etc.
Carolina Panthers @ Green Bay Packers
Hey, guys! Remember that time when Cam Newton could run with the football? Well, it’s happening again, and with perfect timing, too. No one else on the Carolina Panthers can run without getting hurt, which is why Cam ran for over 100 yards last week.
That’s a lot more running than the Packers seem to be able to do. They tried to be a balanced team, but it just didn’t work out. Aaron Rodgers is just too good at throwing a football. You want to be balanced? Go trade Aaron Rodgers and Eddie Lacy for Giovani Bernard and Andy Dalton. Doesn’t sound that great, does it?
Miami Dolphins @ Chicago Bears
The Miami Dolphins are really having a hard time at running back. They brought in Knowshon Moreno, who ended up getting injured, then coming back only to get injured again. That means that Mr. Unreliable, Lamar Miller, will be sharing duties with whatever other running back the Dolphins can find. Maybe they’ll pick up that Australian rugby star, Jarryd Hayne. It can’t be any worse than what they’ve got.
The Chicago Bears don’t have anything to worry about at running back with Old Faithful, Matt Forte, but they do have to worry about Jay Cutler turnovers, those seem to be making an appearance earlier in the season than usual.
Kansas City Chiefs @ San Diego Chargers
The way that Philip Rivers and the Chargers are playing, you’d think they were the top seed of the AFC. Maybe they are, but it’s not something I’m happy about. Why? Because a happy Philip Rivers is not a funny Philip Rivers. Who is he going to yell at if things are going well? The other team? What’s the point of Philip Rivers Phriday now?
The Chiefs have their own problems, mainly that every defense knows what the Chiefs going to do: either have Jamaal Charles run the ball, or have Jamaal Charles catch the ball. It’s to the point that Andy Reid is apologizing for trying not to be that transparent with his game plan. He’s probably saying that just to confuse us even more, but it’s really not working.
Arizona Cardinals @ Oakland Raiders
It seems that Carson Palmer is back and better than ever. Considering the nerve issues he was having, his throws are shorter, which means that they’re more on target as well. Maybe every quarterback that takes too many shots down the field should have their arm zapped a few times to tire out their arms and force them to throw shorter passes. Jay Cutler, I’m looking in your direction.
Derek Carr, however, is not one of those quarterbacks. He needs every ounce of strength he can get to make sure his receivers don’t have to run too far after catching the ball. Yards after catch means potential to fumble the ball after the catch.
New York Giants @ Dallas Cowboys
Just when things seemed to be working out for the New York Giants, Victor Cruz goes and tears his patellar tendon. I don’t know what that is, but I’m sure Cruz won’t be able to salsa dance for a little while. This means that rookie receiver Odell Beckham Jr. may finally be able to test out some dance moves of his own.
The Dallas Cowboys are coming home from a huge win at Seattle. Joseph Randle decided to celebrate the win as well. After taking some touches from DeMarco Murray, he allegedly stole some underwear and cologne from a store at a local mall this past week.
Over/Under on how many more touches Joseph Randle steals this week: 14
San Francisco 49ers @ Denver Broncos
As if the 49ers locker room didn’t have enough eyes on it, this whole “Beats by Dre VS Bose” sponsorship rivalry has Colin Kaepernick in the limelight since he is paid both by the NFL, who is sponsoring Bose, and is in “Beats by Dre” commercials. Instead of having the most expensive headphones ever, Kaepernick opted to wear the headphones with duct tape on them. How long that will last remains to be seen.
Peyton Manning doesn’t have to worry about headphone deals, probably because he’s not young and hip. We’re talking about a quarterback who used to listen to cassettes. For the kids at home, cassettes are what we used to use before ancient CDs.
Monday, October 13
Houston Texans @ Pittsburgh Steelers
You know what’s scary? The Houston Texans are 3-3, have scored three defensive touchdowns, 10 sacks, eight fumble recoveries and six interceptions. And this is a defense that hasn’t played with Jadeveon Clowney yet, who may be back for this game.
The Pittsburgh Steelers will have a chance to watch the Houston defense and remember the good times, when the linebackers were young and the hits were glorious. Maybe James Harrison will make a fine-able hit for nostalgia’s sake.
Patrick Emmel is a sports humorist who once punted a soccer ball fifty yards to his teammate, who then scored the only goal for his college intramural soccer team’s season. Seriously, that kick was placed PERFECTLY. He is also still a believer that Colt McCoy is going to break out as an NFL quarterback. You can read more of his obnoxious commentary at This Jeer In Sports and heckle him on Twitter @Patrick_AE.