Recently, the good people at Jell-O stepped up their gelatin game by making college football-themed molds, just in time for football season. Obviously, this is too good of an opportunity to pass up, so we here at Tailgate Fan decided to rank the molds based on 1) Jell-O flavors, 2) shapes, and 3) my personal distaste of the schools in question. I cannot stress enough the subjectivity of this list, so be forewarned that there’s a very good chance you’re going to want me to blow it out my ass after reading some of these. To those readers, I would remind you – this is a ranking of Jell-O jigglers.
Mold Shapes: An interlocked OU, and interlocked ATM, and interlocked FSU, a Seminole Warrior
I can’t rank these above or below each other because they’re all the same bland flavor with the same uninspired shapes, with the exception of FSU, which commemorates the noble spirit of the Seminole people with a Jell-O Jiggler as a “sorry” for the whole Andrew Jackson thing. So, there you go.
Mold Shapes: A block with an “M” on it
Flavor: Berry Blue and Lemon
You don’t even get an actual “M” mold, you get a block with an “M” on it, which means it’s barely one step away from because a mold-less cube. Also, blue isn’t a naturally occurring color (“what about blueberries!?” those are indigo, idiot) and berry is a sucky flavor. A lemon Jell-O shot probably tastes like Mr. Clean plasma. You’re supporting an awful fanbase with a boring shape and terrible flavors. Don’t buy this product.
Mold Shapes: Alligators
Flavor: Orange and berry blue
Florida makes no sense to me. Orange and blue are cool colors that go well together. Orange and berry blue are the most unique combination of flavors on this list. Alligators are cool creatures and Florida has a cool logo. These will make for cool jigglers. Florida, as a state, has Disney World and beaches. Everything about this package needs to work hard to make themselves loathsome. Instead, they bring us the specter of Urban Meyer, Tim Tebow, the entire city of Miami and Mercury Morris. Everything here should be great. Instead, everything here is irritating. And their state looks like a weiner. Boo, Florida. Boo.
Mold Shapes: The letters L, S, and, yeah, U.
Flavor: Grape and Lemon
LSU is known for fun tailgates (as we’ve shown you before) but this is depressing. Not only did they miss an awesome opportunity to make a tiger jiggler (sounds like a punchline, right? But I’ve got nothing), but grape is the worst artificial flavor. The only purpose artificial grape flavor serves is to be like “huh, I wish I was eating real grapes and not this non-medicinal cough syrup lozenge.” Fake grape flavor tastes like dyed Windex and crushed up Flintstone vitamins. Do not eat this school’s jigglers.
Mold Shapes: The letters O, S, and, yeah, U.
I’m putting OSU low for several reasons; 1) they are a bad school full of bad football fans, 2) strawberry is a boring flavor and most other schools on this list are already strawberry and 3) this headline makes me sad and I want to make fun of it. Buckeyes FINALLY get their own Jell-O mold. FINALLY. AT LONG LAST. GOD BLESS YOU, WARDEN.
Mold Shapes: The letters U, C, L and A
Flavor: Berry blue and lemon
See “Michigan,” but replace everything about the awful fans with commentary about how I’m relatively indifferent to UCLA. It is a school located in the same country where I live. I find it generally inoffensive. It finds me the same way.
Mold Shapes: Wait, what? Iowa?
Flavor: Who the hell picked Iowa?
Iowa is the most forgettable state in the union. Here, try this: find one of your friends and ask them to name all 50 states. Guaranteed they will forget Iowa. Even better, search for “most forgettable state?” and you’ll find message boards with people posing this question and nobody will say Iowa because THEY’RE ALL FORGETTING ABOUT IT. How did we let this happen? The people at Kraft got together and said “We’ve only got room for 17 different Jell-O molds. That is a number that makes sense. Here’s who we don’t want to give molds to, for some reason: Duke, Notre Dame, UCONN, Miami, Kansas, Kansas State, Nebraska, Indiana, Purdue, South Carolina, NC State, Washington, Washington State, Ole Miss, Illinois, Auburn, Minnesota, Oklahoma State, Cincinnati, West Virginia, Virginia, Rutgers, or Penn State. So who’s left?”
The only possible reason would be if the head of Jell-O went to Iowa or something. That’d make sense. But, nope! He went to…
Mold Shapes: The letter W and a badger
Ah ha, it seems the Kraft marketing department is stacked with Badgers. Well, there’s at least one guy, and we’ve uncovered his alma mater-benefiting decisions! No wonder, in a list of schools that only includes a small selection from the Big 10, Wisconsin was able to sneak in! This is actually probably okay. Madison is a cool city and Wisconsin, in general, is a state that likes cheese and beer and football. I can’t stay mad at you, you pasty heifers, you.
Mold Shapes: The word “Missouri,” a circle with a tiger in it
Forgettable state + forgettable school + forgettable Jell-O flavor = middling ranking, which isn’t bad, considering.
Mold Shapes: An interlocked NC
Flavor: Berry blue
I’m less vexed by the inclusion of UNC (although this raises the question of whether this mold series is supposed to be for football fans, or basketball fans? Because the Tar Heels aren’t shocking the world with their team, or their soft-colored uniforms) than I am by the fact that Jell-O has once again chosen berry blue. Look, UNC’s blue is clearly different from UCLA or Michigan, and yet, here we are. Also, what kind of berry are we talking, exactly, because not all berries are the same flavor. Is it blue raspberry? Because that’s not an actual food, by the way. This brings about many questions that I’m not comfortable with.
Mold Shapes: The letter G and a bulldog
Bulldogs are pretty cool and bulldog-shaped food is fun for the whole family.
Mold Shapes: Longhorns
I lived in Austin for four years so I’m being a homer, but I like the longhorn shape and orange is a tasty flavor. What they should have done is made a “burnt orange” flavor and added liquid smoke to the Jell-O mix. Mmmm. Smokey orange.
Mold Shapes: Spartan Helmet and Big Letter “S”
Sparty gets bonus points for being one of the few lime-flavored selections on our list. Also, for not being Michigan. Not to bleed personal experience into this piece, but I’ve never had a Michigan State fan from Kalamazoo College throw D-batteries at me because of the movie Rudy. This actually happened. Before then, I didn’t know there was a Kalamazoo, or that people went to college there. Apparently they have an excellent undergraduate program in THROWING BATTERIES AT PEOPLE WHO ARE DIFFERENT THAN YOU. Also, lime is a delightful flavor and frequently stuck with lemon, even though lime is superior in most ways. It’s like Tobago to lemon’s Trinidad, or Herzegovina to lemon’s Bosnia. I’m in no way qualified to make that statement and don’t know where any of those places are on a map, by the way, nor do I know anything about their culture or history. I’m just happy to see lime shine.
Mold Shapes: The letter “T” and a threatening letter to Lane Kiffin (HA! No, it’s just another “T”)
Tennessee is generally an underrated school. Not in football, mind you. Can’t argue with the scoreboard. But my point is, think about fun SEC schools. You’ve probably got Ole Miss, LSU, Florida and a few others, yes? You never think about the poor Vols. But they’re nice people and good football fans and generally underdogs. And the state of Tennessee is where blues and rock and roll came from. Also, orange is generally an underrated flavor. Imagine you open a package of Starburst or Skittles. Do you ever reach for orange? No, you go after strawberry like a soulless robot. I bet you don’t even donate to charity. But orange is delicious and it helped pirates fight scurvy. And besides, those kids picked it over purple stuff that one time. Also if this is for Jell-O shots, then you’re probably using vodka, meaning that these will be like little squishy screwdrivers.
Mold Shapes: Os
Flavor: Lemon and Lime
This seems fun. Lemon and lime go together well, as sodas have told us for years. Plus, this shape doesn’t strike me as particularly offensive. It’d be like a big, wet communion wafer in your mouth. I bet these would go good with vodka, or, if you’re feeling adventurous, you could even use gin and make gin and tonic jigglers. Also Oregon seems like a cool state and a perfectly normal school. What the hell. Let’s give them the nod.
What schools would you rather see on this list? Are you mad that the Elon Wildcats or the Utah Tech Homeschoolers weren’t in the top 17? Hit us up in the comments section and let us know.