Welcome back to our 2014 season preview of NFL teams that you love, hate to love, and love to hate. Asinine Analysis is here to give some fans hope and other fans a face mask penalty back into reality.
We started things off with the AFC East, which happens to have all of their teams in the eastern part of the United States. Yes, that is considered a victory these days in the organization of divisions.
Our next targets: the teams of the NFC East, which seems to consider Texas as an eastern state.
Record: 8-8. The Dallas Cowboys didn’t make the playoffs, but they probably wouldn’t have gone too far anyway with Fat Dave Grohl leading the offense after Tony Romo got hurt. The good news is that Kyle Orton won’t be around if the Cowboys are in the playoff hunt again and need someone to win a crucial game. The bad news is that they have Brandon Weeden, who wasn’t even good enough to be a third-string backup quarterback for the Browns.
The Good: Everything about the Dallas Cowboys is amazing. Just ask the Dallas Cowboys. They have so much talent that Jerry Jones and the rest of team management have already sent out playoff tickets to season ticket holders, including tickets to the NFC Championship game at AT&T Stadium. That’s right! The Cowboys are so good, they are going to bowl over the likes of such horrible teams as the San Francisco 49ers and the Super Bowl-winning Seattle Seahawks to go 14-2 and have home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. The Cowboys are also going to be the first team to have a bad enough record to host a Wildcard game but good enough to host the NFC Championship game in the same post-season. It makes as much sense as anything else about the Cowboys.
The Bad: Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has a golf handicap of +3.3, but hasn’t had a chance to play all off-season. Stupid back injury! He must’ve had to spend the past seven months doing, you know, football stuff. Maybe watching some film so he can figure out how not to turn the ball over. Hey, it could happen.
The Ugly: The Cowboys had the absolute worst defense last year, but it wasn’t the worst defense of all time. It was close, but that honor will probably be given to this season’s Cowboys defense. That’s right, they got worse. Either that or DeMarcus Ware was holding the pass rush back.
New York Giants
Record: 7-9. The last time the New York Giants were this bad was 2009 when fans were calling for Tom Coughlin to be fired and Eli Manning to be traded. Then the Giants had a winning season, and won the Super Bowl after that. So using this pattern, which does not take into consideration how the team seems to be crumbling faster than Michael Strahan’s self-respect, the Giants should have a winning season this year and beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl the year after that. Really, Mike? Kelly Ripa? That failed sitcom Brothers wasn’t enough of a hint that you should stick to sports?
The Good: The only thing good about the New York Football Giants is that fans are still so cocky that they call their team “The New York Football Giants.” We get it, people. You don’t want to be mistaken for the New York Baseball Giants, who moved to San Francisco before Archie Manning had his first date. Trim your name down. New York Giants. Done.
The Bad: The last decent running back the Giants had was a fullback that refused to believe he wasn’t a halfback. If Brandon Jacobs took some ballet lessons, MAYBE he could have looked like Jerome Bettis’ slower little brother. Instead, we saw a 280 pound running back try to bounce outside like the entire defensive line couldn’t see him. David Wilson was supposed to be the next workhorse, but his injury retirement leaves the running back duties to Rashad Jennings, the former back-up of the Oakland Raiders, which decided that Maurice Jones-Drew in a wheelchair could do a better job.
The Ugly: You know that Thanksgiving dinner at the Coughlin house is going to be tense this year. I wouldn’t be surprised if Tom Coughlin screams at Chris Snee: “You wanna carve the turkey? Like you carved the heart right out of my chest by retiring and leaving Eli to die in the backfield?”
Record: 10-6. The Philadelphia Eagles even hosted a playoff game with that record. They were even the favorites in that game against the Saints! “The Saints can’t win on the road,” they said. “The Chip Kelly Offense can’t be slowed down,” they said. Who are they? Do they want to join my fantasy football league?
The Good: Mark Sanchez, who was unofficially “traded” by the Jets to the Eagles for Michael Vick, cut his hair so that he can’t be ridiculed for those stupid hairbands. We may not be able to unsee his modelling spread in GQ, but at least he’s making changes. Getting things done. Hopefully Sanchez doesn’t have to fumble a ball all season. Talent-wise, we can still be excited about LeSean McCoy, who has risen a notch or two in fantasy football rankings. That may not mean much in terms of real football, but it’s hard to say anything about the Eagles is particularly good right now.
The Bad: The Chip Kelly Offense is fast at scoring, but the Chip Kelly Defense is even faster at giving those points back. When two NFC East teams play, it’s like an arena football game. Everyone is small, fragile and all about passing. If Chip Kelly were the coach of the Philadelphia Soul, he would become the next Bill Walsh… of arena football.
The Ugly: What were the Eagles thinking, letting DeSean Jackson go? They made the playoffs. Why try to fix something that isn’t broken? Did Chip Kelly mistake Nick Foles for Tom Brady and think his quarterback could turn any mediocre wide receiver into a star? Jeremy Maclin is going to be the next A.J. Green? Riley Cooper is your #2 receiver? This is the Chip Kelly “Faster than the Speed of Light” offense? The Eagles will be lucky to win five games, and that’s only because the rest of the NFC East is just as pathetic.
Record: 3-13. It was such a drop-off from 2012’s 10-6 season that coach Mike Shanahan turned the same color as his Washington Redskins pullover before he was fired by Dan Snyder. It was probably a good move for Shanahan’s health.
The Good: Colt McCoy continues his rounds as a third-string quarterback with his third team in three years. Some analysts believe he’s in it for the love of the game. Others say he’s in it for the money, but I know the truth. Colt McCoy is in it to prove me right when I unofficially elected him the quarterback to watch out for in the 2010 draft. So far he still has a shot, considering Sam Bradford, Tim Tebow, Rusty Smith, Jimmy Clausen, and John Skelton are his competition. I can’t wait to see the haters proved wrong, even though no one will care by that time.
The Bad: Everything is suspect with the Redskins. First they hire Jay Gruden as their head coach, which you know must have been a mistake. It was probably one of those accidents that happen in fantasy football drafts: you see “J. Gruden” still available, so you grab him up as fast as you can, only to find out later that you didn’t get Jon Gruden but his younger, softer brother Jay. Then we have Jordan Reed, who may still have a concussion from last season. Lastly, there’s DeSean Jackson, who the division rival Eagles didn’t put up much of a fight to keep. Something smells fishy in Landover, and it isn’t Maryland crab cakes that have been on the truck way too long.
The Ugly: The controversy surrounding the Washington Redskins’ name and logo is getting critical. The Redskins are appealing their loss of trademark registration, which means that anyone who wants to have eggs thrown at them can do so with impunity if the appeal is lost. Official bloggers can’t take the heat for defending the name, and these are people who literally don’t have to interact with anyone face to face or even voice to voice. The Redskins even tried to sneak in a website, RedskinsFacts, populated by “passionate Washington Redskins fans and others,” the others being employees of the Washington Redskins and the PR firm that they hired. Whomp whomp…
#HTTR ìLove the shirts, guys, love what youíre doing,î Snyder said.
ó Redskins Facts (@redskinsfacts) August 4, 2014
He better. I’m sure Snyder’s paying them enough.
Patrick Emmel is a sports humorist who once punted a soccer ball fifty yards to his teammate, who then scored the only goal for his college intramural soccer team’s season. Seriously, that kick was placed PERFECTLY. He is also still a believer that Colt McCoy is going to break out as an NFL quarterback. You can read more of his obnoxious commentary at This Jeer In Sports and heckle him on Twitter @Patrick_AE.