Diary Of A Fantasy Baseball Loser – Part 7

I’ve been moving upward in my fantasy baseball league, and though I’ve long stopped entertaining the possibility of winning, a cool sixth-place finish is not far from the realm of possibility. Let’s see how wrong I am.


Oops, back down to ninth. That’s not a good way to start. Nobody posted a wacky ERA, but my hitters did just about nothing (five RBIs between them). That’ll always knock you down a peg or two.


(Photo by Chris Trotman/Getty Images)

(Photo by Chris Trotman/Getty Images)

Here’s proof I should never do a daily league ever again. I didn’t get to my roster in time and have absolutely ZERO pitchers playing. And it’s too late to exchange anybody out. Oh well, I’m ten points ahead of the tenth-place team, so one day of complete and utter comatose activity likely won’t hurt me. And hey, maybe my hitters will actually step up this time and contribute for once. Maybe.


Well, I survived the day of inactivity without dipping any spots. Of course, I didn’t gain any either, because my hitters were just as non-hitty as ever. Climbing back up to my season peak of tying for 8th place might be harder than I thought. Unless, like, every other owner but me dies or gives up on their team after the All-Star Break. Wouldn’t be the first league where that happens.

(Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

(Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

Pitcher Eddie Butler is making his MLB debut tomorrow for the Rockies. I took him, because when you’re second from the bottom, clearly that’s the perfect time to have fun, experiment, and just see what happens.


It’s official — I am the ultimate Fantasy Loser, no matter what I do. Turns out my great strategy? The one where I rotate starting pitchers every day to make sure everybody’s active? Turns out that might have been the wrong path after all. After logging in this morning to do my usual swap, I see this notice above:

“This team has hit the GS limit allotted for the P slot. Players in this slot are not eligible to accrue any stats for the remainder of the season when starting the game.”

Buy MLB gear for your favorite team.

A quick rule search (which I probably should’ve done prior to the initial draft) reveals that teams are only allowed 200 starts a season. I have apparently exceeded that, which makes sense since I start NINE NEW PITCHERS A DAY EVERY DAY. Unless I forget. That would explain why nobody else was copying my brilliant idea: because it’s the fantasy equivalent of “hey everybody, I know how to save money on groceries — shoplifting!”

So, yeah. My pitchers can’t help me anymore. I can’t garner any more stats from them for the rest of the year, no matter who I stick into the slots. I can get stats from relievers, but how the hell am I supposed to know when a reliever comes in? They’re not exactly announced beforehand. The only thing I can do is roll the dice and hope a reliever plays, which I’m guessing was kind of the point all along.

(Photo by Rick Yeatts/Getty Images)

(Photo by Rick Yeatts/Getty Images)

In real life, if a solution seems really easy and fun to implement, it probably doesn’t work. Like how situps are pretty simple to do, so naturally they barely get you in shape at all. Instead, you have to run, run, and run some more. Hate running? Find it more boring than a 48-hour documentary on the history of wood? Can you barely make it to the end of the street without sucking wind? TOO BAD, it’s the only effective way to lose weight and keep it off.

Such is here. My idea was easy and seemed useful, so naturally it sucked. Instead, I need to strategize when to start players, and start only the best of the best, based on careful calculations of every single stat. That sounds like a lot of hard, confusing work, especially for a Loser. So naturally, it’s the only way to succeed.

Welp, at least I can substitute hitters ad nauseum. Not that that strategy has ever worked for me. But it’s there, should the nice batheads ever decide to start swinging for me.


Forgot. Drinking. Stupid rules.


Beer Bottles

Beer Bottles

OK, out of booze now.

I’m down to 37.5 points. Still 9th, but the gap is closing. Soon, I will be back to dead last, and will likely remain there for the rest of the season, since the only thing I’m good at is now impossible for me to do. I’m still #1 with strikeouts and wins, but it’s doing me no good at all. Every other stat is slipping further and further into Awful Land.

I can still accrue stats via relief pitchers, so maybe if I use nothing but them, I’ll be OK. Unless, of course, they either don’t play or suddenly become awful when they do. But even piddling stats are better than none.


One reliever played (Dellin Betances), and garnered me a 6.75 ERA with a win and two K’s. Still, better than nothing, even though I gained a whole lot of nothing in the process. Hitters were their usual meh self, with a cool 9 RBIs among the lot.

(Photo by J. Meric/Getty Images)

(Photo by J. Meric/Getty Images)


Found more booze. I’m two points away from slipping back into last place, and since I don’t want to see that happen, this is as good a time as any to slink back into the shadows and let fate take over this stupid team. Kids, always read the rules before playing a game, lest you get burnt halfway through like I did.

Check out the entire Diary Of A Fantasy Baseball Loser series.

See what the players and experts are talking about on the MLB Twitter Wall.

Jason Iannone is a Cracked Columnist and newest member of its Article Layout Team. Follow his goofy career path via Facebook, Twitter, and his website.


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