The Fantasy Baseball losing streak continues, as I slowly realize starting off the season on a weeks-long cold streak was not the brightest of plans. But I’m working on the fly here, trying to come up with as many working strategies as possible. If I can’t win this league, I can at least finish in a semi-respectable position

Maybe. Or I’ll finish lowest of the low and be laughed at by all. Again. Time will tell


HERE’S how you start off a diary. One day in and I’m up to ninth place. Hallelujah! My batters had a good combined average but nothing else, so that wasn’t the cause. It was more that I exchanged all my talent for people that were actively playing. That made all the difference, and might be the ultimate key to success — make sure my players are playing. On a scale of incredible discoveries, this one ranks below “fire” but slightly above “first guy to escape Chinese handcuffs by burning them clean off.”


My record and stats have been steady these past few days, though I appear to be slipping. I forgot to change my pitchers today because I had too much pooping to do this morning. And I’d been so good with that lately! The lineup changes I mean, not the pooping. Though I’m pretty damn masterful in that too.

Naturally, my ninth place spot is in real jeopardy, as my tenth place opponent is now within one point of me. It probably won’t look much better come next morning — I had tried to swap out my pitchers some time after the last-second (most had not started to play by the time I remembered), but no dice. I’m stuck, and today’s an utter wash. But at least now I don’t have to rotate my team on Friday morning. All I’ll have to do is stare at the screen and quietly weep into my coffee.

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As expected, I’m now tied for last place. It turns out I have the worst team batting average in the entire league, and the guy who just caught up with me has the best. Amazing how it works, that whole “losing to people better than you” thing. Also, not playing any pitchers for a day — amazing how that doesn’t work.

Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Ryu Hyun-Jin throws against the Arizona Diamondbacks during their Major League Baseball (MLB) game at the Sydney Cricket Ground (SCG) in Sydney on March 23, 2014.  The Dodgers won the game 7-5 to sweep the two-game opening season series.

Ryu Hyun-Jin (Photo Credit: William West/AFP/Getty Images)


For the past few days, I’ve been treading water in ninth place. On the plus side, I am now back to being comfortably ahead of my tenth-place opponent (6.5 points and climbing). My two strengths (strikeouts and wins) are heads and tails above everybody else. Problem is, everybody’s heads and tails above me everywhere else. I’m third worst in several categories now, which is technically progress, but realistically rather putrid.

Having Hyun-Jin Ryu on my pitching staff for the day wasn’t as wonderful as I’d hoped either. True, he had a perfect game over seven innings, but once he lost that bid, he completely fell apart. Three earned runs in a third of an inning is a great way to fall from grace and land splat on your nose.


I’m ridiculously far ahead of everybody else in strikeouts and wins. I’m so far ahead, in fact, that I’m going to focus on different criteria when picking my pitchers. Since I never see anybody available with a bunch of saves for some dumb reason, I started drafting people with really good ERA’s.

CINCINNATI, OH - AUGUST 13:  Tim Stauffer #46 of the San Diego Padres wipes his head after giving up a home run during the game against the Cincinnati Reds at Great American Ball Park on August 13, 2011 in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Tim Stauffer (Photo Credit: Andy Lyons/Getty Images)


I’m back to being tied for last. And would you like to know why? Tim Stauffer recorded a 189.00 ERA, that’s why! Yes, as soon as I decide to focus on ERAs, this joker records seven earned runs in ONE-THIRD OF AN INNING. That’s something I would do, because I suck at baseball. This guy gets paid to be good at it, and this is what he produces? Compared to that, Danny Duffy’s 11.25 ERA for the night would qualify him for the Cy Young award.

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This is getting pretty cool. Suddenly, I’m up by many, many points on my tenth-place competitor, despite Garrett Richards posting a 67.5 ERA like 50 Cent taught him how to pitch. As far as I know, he hadn’t done anything like this before, just after I use him. Why do people insist on sucking the second I look their way?

I’m only three points away from eighth place, so it’s time to set my sights on that. To do that, I need to focus not just on ERA, but on RBIs (which I’m suddenly fifth best on somehow). It’s good to have goals, especially if those goals help you do OK in a free fantasy sports league where you don’t know anybody.

KANSAS CITY, MO - MAY 26:  Starting pitcher Scott Feldman #46 of the Houston Astros pitches during the 1st inning of the game against the Kansas City Royals at Kauffman Stadium on May 26, 2014 in Kansas City, Missouri.

Scott Feldman (Photo Credit: Jamie Squire/Getty Images)


I’m tied for 8th place! I suck less! And I’m only 3.5 points away from seventh, which means I’m actually inching closer and closer to mediocrity. Of course, the team I’m tied with is ALSO 3.5 points away from seventh, but screw ’em. They’re not writing this thing, so their story doesn’t count.

Scott Feldman had a 15.19 ERA, which is definitely something his mother should disown him over, but all my other pitchers put up great numbers, with ERAs below 2.70 all around. More of that every day, OK? Giant ERAs are funny once a year at most, and my guys have more than filled their quota.

Whatever I’m doing all of a sudden, I’m doing very well and plan to keep doing. If I flop like a fish and stumble back to last over the next two weeks, I’ll simply devise a new evil scheme doomed to inevitable failure. For now though, I’m gonna stay the course cuz the course is actually working out for once.

Check out the entire Diary Of A Fantasy Baseball Loser series.

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Jason Iannone is a Cracked Columnist and a pitching expert, apparently. Tell him how much better he is than Nolan Ryan via Facebook, Twitter, and his website.


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