Welcome to Part 5 of Everybody Laugh At The Loser. Aside from the first two days of the regular season and one random day in between, I have been stuck at the bottom of my fantasy baseball league: tenth place out of 10 with little hope of bouncing upwards because I have literally no clue what I’m doing

But I’m learning. My pitching is stronger than my hitting, so I’m doing my damndest to focus on that primarily. Will this work? Dunno, that’s what this diary is for. Well, that and showing my son so he realizes that Dad is just as stupid as anybody else, and probably doesn’t have the answers to all 12,372,074,803,725,734,715 questions he asks of me.

May 5

Four RBIs and no stolen bases. Twenty-five points, 10/10. Dear Everybody I Drafted: sorry I derailed your careers by associating myself with you. Bronson Arroyo Sings The Blues.

As for my pitchers? ZERO wins and 14 K’s. That last one’s pretty good anyway. I really need to start rotating my pitchers in and out each day (or whenever I remember). That way there are always people playing, and hopefully striking other people out.

I added Juan Nicasio and Roenis Elias in place of Mike Leake and Aroldis Chapman, who has been on the disabled list the entire season and has finally worn out his boo-boo-milking welcome. GET OFF MY COUCH.

PHILADELPHIA, PA - MAY 17: Aroldis Chapman #54 of the Cincinnati Reds sits in the dugout before the start of a game against the Philadelphia Phillies at Citizens Bank Park on May 17, 2014 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Aroldis Chapman (Photo Credit: Rich Schultz/Getty Images)

May 6

Today’s stats are EXACTLY the same as before, only with one stolen base instead of none. That one act of thievery wasn’t enough to bring me above 25 points though. I only had 7 K’s, though both starting pitchers won, which was nice.

I set up tomorrow’s pitchers to be Jorge De La Rosa, Jake Peavy, Ian Kennedy, Justin Masterson. Except luck of all lucks, there appears to be a glitch in the system, and they won’t recognize those last two as being on my team. It SAYS I made the switch, but it won’t include them in my lineup. It also won’t let me activate Chris Davis to the DL no matter how many times I ask. I even used the magic word! But still, the system insists that I stick him on the bench. Dammit, now even the robots are conspiring to make me suck.

Buy MLB gear for your favorite team.

May 9

Now it’s 24.5 points and tenth place, so something changed at least. For the worse, but it was still a change. Also, just to confuse me, Kennedy and Masterson’s numbers from May 7 are somehow recorded on May 8. No clue if they actually count. I sure hope so, since they gave me 19 strikeouts combined, which is far better than the ONE RBI that my hitters recorded. Thank you for your minimal contribution, David Murphy. Everyone else can go screw.

Also, I am so smart. I figured out why the system wasn’t letting me activate Chris David to the DL — because that’s not how the button works.

I kept pressing “Activate,” thinking it meant “officially activate this guy to the DL.” NOPE — it actually meant “re-activate this guy to the active roster.” So I kept pressing it and sending him to and from the DL like a total goober. I probably confused the hell out of him and his family in the process. I’m a bad boss.

ANAHEIM, CA - APRIL 30:  Zach McAllister #34 of the Cleveland Indians pitches against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim at Angel Stadium of Anaheim on April 30, 2014 in Anaheim, California.

Zach McAllister (Credit: Jeff Gross/Getty Images)

In other news, it’s time to go for broke and draft ALL starting pitchers, every damn day. Nine people contributing numbers sounds a hell of a lot smarter than two or three, especially if the system glitches halfway through again.

Tomorrow’s pitchers: Zach McAllister, Nate Eovaldi, Kyle Lohse, Wade Miley, Jose Quintana, Dillon Gee, Tanner Roark, Miguel Gonzalez and Jordan Lyles. All probable starters, all with the good stats I’m aiming for. Try not to forget how baseball works, OK guys? OK.

May 11

Hey, I’m up to 27.5 points! I’m still dead last, but it’s a start. I’m up to 7th best as far as strikeouts go, which is pretty damned good. But I can’t win on one category alone. I need to find some better RBI hitters and base-stealers too, because the people I got under the hopes that they would produce are very much not.

I had planned dump everybody with fewer than 20 RBIs, but that failed miserably. Turns out, nobody on the waiver wire had 20 RBIs EITHER. So now I’m just settling for people who are actually playing that day. I won’t name them all, because ye Gods would rattling off 20-something names every day get boring. I’ll simply report how badly they did so you can laugh at me and move on with your life.

Kids Raising Hands

Photo Credit: Thinkstock

May 12

Now 27 points, tenth place. Hands up if you saw that coming a million miles away.

Yep, I thought so.

My hitting blows, but my pitching is improving bit by painful bit. Perhaps I should focus full-time on getting as many of my pitching stats up as humanly possible, not just strikeouts and wins. Finding good hitters is all but useless, especially since nobody in this league wants to trade. I think the other owners are hoarding the good hitters. Greedy bastards.

May 15

Good news: I’m up to 33 points! And my squad has the most strikeouts of them all. I’m #1!

Bad news: overall, I’m still #10. Stupid bad hitters. Actually, stupid terrible, awful, no good very bad hitters. My batting categories are either worst or second-worst across the board, and few free agents look any good.

Still, having a high score in two categories is definite progress, and if I can get the other pitching categories up, I might make it to eighth or ninth place yet.

May 16


Buy baseball tickets for this weekend’s game.

WASHINGTON, DC - MAY 17:  Gio Gonzalez #47 of the Washington Nationals pitches in the first inning during a baseball game game against the New York Mets on May 17, 2014 at the Nationals Park in Washington, DC.

Gio Gonzalez (Photo Credit: Mitchell Layton/Getty Images)

May 17

Slowly rising. I’m now up to 35.5 points (still last place, but now with more points). A couple ERAs of 10+ will do that to you. Though to be fair, one of those guys (Gio Gonzalez) injured himself halfway through the game, so I GUESS I’ll won’t arrange to have him beaten with a shovel in real life.

My hitting is its normal abysmal self, no new news there. However, only 4-and-a-half points separate me from my closest crappy competitor. If I keep improving my pitching, that coveted ninth-place spot shall be mine once again! I tasted its sweetness for, like, a day awhile ago, and I want to taste it again!

May 18

I finished this two-week stretch with 36 points and a predictable last place finish. I’ve been making slow but steady progress, and my ninth-place opponent helped by gaining no ground on me whatsoever.

Stat-wise, my strikeouts and wins are the absolute best in the league right now, which is basically cause for a drug-fueled party. Also, I got good hitting for once (11 RBIs and a .353 average). But like any good manager, I feel the need to rain on my team’s happy parade. My pitchers really need to work on their earned runs. Nobody posted anything as vile as that 54 ERA from a couple days ago, but a 14.5, a 9, and a 7.5 aren’t good for my bottom line either.

I might finally be stumbling upon a plan that works, but I have a real test to begin the next installment. I have virtually no hitters hitting tomorrow (only five games are scheduled anyway), so what to do? Do I trade everyone out, knowing full well how bad I’ve been with trading hitters?

Yes. Yes I do. Hey, what’s the worst that can happen? My batting average goes from worst in the league to extra-worstest in the entire Observable Universe and beyond? That’s right, even aliens 45 billion light years away, who most likely have no clue what baseball is, might well be better at picking players than I am.

For pitchers, I literally picked up every single starting pitcher available. Hell, there were only eight of them, so why not? Even the crappy one (Scott Carroll) with seven strikeouts and a 5+ ERA has more potential to put up bigger numbers than somebody who isn’t playing period.

Check out the entire Diary Of A Fantasy Baseball Loser series.

See what the players and experts are talking about on the MLB Twitter Wall.

Jason Iannone is a Cracked Columnist and a pitching expert, apparently. Tell him how much better he is than Nolan Ryan via Facebook, Twitter, and his website.


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