Playing catch-up is exhausting. I should know, it’s all I’ve been doing for the past few weeks. My fantasy baseball team, Bronson Arroyo Sings, is dead last in its league and has been just about every day of the season, save for maybe one or two. I’m winning less than the Houston Astros, which is almost an impressive feat.

I still don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Am I picking the wrong people? Am I not replacing players quick enough? Or is it just my dumb luck that the second a player joins my squad, they begin to fail at their job in real life? Let’s see if another two weeks of fantasizing will do wonders for my jocks or not.

And yes, that last sentence is exactly as dirty as you think it is.

April 22

Nope, not yet. I’m still last and, with 26.5 points, I might actually be more last than ever before. My batters hit a combined .114 today, which might qualify them to warm the bench for some short-season single-A ballclub, but only barely.

Tee ball

Though this might be more up their alley. (Photo Credit: Thinkstock)

I honestly don’t know how much longer I can do this without either winning or inventing fantastical fairy tales explaining all my awfulness to children. I mean, I already have a whimsical title. All I need is the ability to draw pictures that won’t make the typical kindergartener cry. Is that even possible? They do cry a lot, it seems.

April 24

Oh goodie, I’m up to 27 points! Oh baddie, I’m still last. However, today was actually pretty damned good. My batters went 12/34 with seven runs, three homers, 12 RBIs and a stolen base. Hey, it’s still better than no stolen bases, which I see far too often in my end-of-day tallies. I need a lot more days like this one if I want to up my standings.

I need fewer days like I had on the 23rd (.234 average) and even FEWER than what I had on the 22nd, when everybody I drafted disgraced the very name of whatsisname who invented baseball. You know the guy.

15th May 1874:  A group of Americans playing baseball at Princes Ground. Original Publication: Illustrated London News - pub. 1874

He’s almost certainly in this picture. Maybe the ump? (Photo Credit: Hulton Archive/Getty Images)

Nobody pitched today, by the way. I still don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, because neither Google nor any of you ingrates will tell me. Should I constantly be rotating pitchers in and out of free agency based on if they’re likely to start today? That sounds like it would piss off the Gods of Fair Play, and Lord knows if anything is sacred on the Internet, it’s rules.

Buy MLB gear for your favorite team.

April 27

Oh good Lord. I’m now down to 24 points, which is naturally good enough for tenth place. At this point, my new goal might be to completely hit rock bottom, which would mean ten points (last place in every category) every damn day. It’d be the Sharknado approach to fantasy sports — if you can’t be good at what you do, become great at sucking at it.

My ball-whacking (snicker) continues to be shoddy at best, while bad outings by my pitchers on the 26th (Koji Uehara and Mike Leake) and on the 27th (Hyn-Jin Ryu and Edinson Volquez) brought my pitching numbers way down. I also have some injured people, which is to be expected. This includes Chris Davis, my only first baseman. AWESOME. So I need another first baseman stat, which means crappy second baseman Dustin Ackley goes bye-bye, so I have room for the hopefully not-crappy Casey McGehee.

TORONTO, CANADA - APRIL 22: Chris Davis #19 of the Baltimore Orioles reacts after striking out in the fourth inning during MLB game action against the Toronto Blue Jays on April 22, 2014 at Rogers Centre in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

Chris Davis (Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images)

April 28

Well, if he doesn’t suck, he sure hasn’t proven this to me yet. My scores are the exact same as yesterday. In addition, Bryce Harper, the man I thought was a steal based on how easily I snagged him on draft day, is out for the next two months after breaking his widdle thumby thumb. DOUBLE AWESOME. Also, bye-bye. I should’ve gotten rid of him the second his manager benched him for not caring enough about his job to actually run the bases. In place of his lightly jogging ass, I picked up Alcides Escobar. I dunno who he is. I hope he knows how to run.

My lack of success is all the more baffling now that I realize my players’ numbers are overall not too bad. Nobody’s batting under .250 and nobody’s ERA is pornographically putrid, so I’m probably still hurting from the first few weeks where everybody forgot how to baseball. If my new crew start playing well every day, I’m hoping I can finally start climbing the ranks.

Buy baseball tickets for this weekend’s game.

May 1

Or not. With 27.5 points, I’m last once again. Going 11/44 with a meager five runs is no way to go through life. Having one of your favorite real-life pitchers (Koji, who pretty much won my Red Sox a championship last year) post a 9.0 ERA for the night is even less of a way. Sure, he earned that ERA simply by allowing one earned run in one inning, but it’s still a crappy number. With the way he’s been playing this year, that number likely would have gone even higher had he stuck around.

ST LOUIS, MO - OCTOBER 26:  Koji Uehara #19 of the Boston Red Sox reacts in the ninth inning of their 5 to 4 loss ot the St. Louis Cardinals in Game Three of the 2013 World Series at Busch Stadium on October 26, 2013 in St Louis, Missouri.

Koji Uehara (Photo Credit: Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

My team is just so hit-and-miss (usually miss.) On May 1, they managed a combined .250 average. The day before that? .441. And the day before that? .156. I can’t hope to climb back up to ninth place without some damn consistency. Sadly, the only thing a lot of baseball players consistently are is consistently kinda stupid.

May 4

I close out this edition of the Diary with 26 points and a shocking tenth place finish. Who the hell could’ve possibly seen that one coming? The Fourth is definitely not strong with this team.

There is one thing I noticed though, which may bode well for the future (or not, given my luck). Every other team has at least one category they’re really, really good at, which earns them enough points to place high even if no other categories compare. I don’t have anything like that. My three “best” categories are RBIs, strikeouts and pitcher wins. In each one, I’m fourth from the bottom. So now you understand those stupid Dr. Evil quote marks of mine.

This gives me an idea for my next hair-brained retooling scheme: focusing on those categories. Maybe I can’t get my team average up any, but if I can pick up a bunch of RBI and strikeout machines, I might just make it out of this hole at long last. I hath presented myself with a new quest. Huzzah!

To that end, it is time for the following people to fantasy die:

Brandon Phillips, Alcides Escobar, Adeiny Hechavarria, Ben Zobrist, Nick Markakis and Mike Aviles (all guys with 10 RBIs or under), along with Koji Uehara and Edinson Volquez, who both have crappy Ks and Ws.

In their place, I picked up Omar Infante, Marcus Semien, Brandon Crawford, Marlon Byrd, David Murphy and Kurt Suzuki for hitters. For pitchers, I snagged Aaron Harang and Zach Mcallister. Everyone is aces in the stats I’m gunning to be the best at, so how could they possibly fail?

Eh, they’ll find a way probably. Find out how in two weeks, when I detail just how quickly my terrible new idea flopped flat on its miserable face.

Check out the entire Diary Of A Fantasy Baseball Loser series.

Read our position-by-position Fantasy Baseball Preview.

Jason Iannone is a Cracked Columnist and an eternal optimist. His Facebook, Twitter, and Website are havens of sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s