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Diary Of A Fantasy Baseball Loser – Part 3

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ATLANTA, GA - APRIL 13: Bryce Harper #34 of the Washington Nationals reacts after being thrown out at second base in the 3rd inning against the Atlanta Braves at Turner Field on April 13, 2014 in Atlanta, Georgia.

Bryce Harper (Photo Credit: Scott Cunningham/Getty Images)

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After a few weeks of playing fantasy baseball, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am much, much worse at it than I ever was at fantasy football. My team, the lovingly named “Bronson Arroyo Sings!”, is dead last in its league and rapidly showing zero signs of improvement.

As an owner, I have almost no idea what I’m doing, and am probably neglecting half a dozen important steps that every decent player takes great pains to do every day. Even if it means forgetting to get their kid ready for school that day. Eh, summer’s almost here anyway — they’ve probably already covered the important stuff.

Here’s how the weeks from April 7th to April 20th went down, and down, and down, and down some more.

April 7

I came into this period in tenth place out of 10 teams, and with 25.5 points to my name, out of a possible 100. After today’s games, I hadn’t budged a millimeter. Five batters and seven pitchers didn’t play, though that’s bound to happen every now and again. However, all three of my bench hitters played, and their points mattered not one bit. Naturally, they were good numbers, and I had to sadly stare at them like a grounded child watching his friends merrily skip and jump outside.

Of course, active players like David Ortiz going 0-for-5 didn’t help me any. STEP IT UP, GUY I LIKE IN REAL LIFE.

BOSTON, MA - APRIL 7:  David Ortiz #34 of the Boston Red Sox reacts after missing a pitch for a strike against the Texas Rangers in the fifth inning  at Fenway Park on April 7, 2014 in Boston, Massachusetts.

David Ortiz (Photo Credit: Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

April 10

Well hey, I’m up to 34 points now! Still in tenth place though, because poop. Ortiz is improving, which is good, but many others are not, which is bad. Part of this is on me, as I’m still not used to checking my team and rotating the players every single day. However, the real issue is many of my guys just plain suck, bench or not. My pitching is quite passable (except for saves) but NOBODY’S hitting. I’m looking at you…

Bryce Harper: .219

BJ Upton: .152

Carlos Santana: .219, who never should’ve quit guitar to try his hand at sports.

Among others, including everyone normally on my bench. I might have to start dropping bodies if bats don’t start lighting up.

Buy MLB gear for your favorite team.

April 12

I’m still scoring 34 points, but now I’m in NINTH PLACE. Doth some poor soul actually sucketh moreso than me? I had no idea this was possible. This stratospheric jump in the rankings is mostly due to my pitching (though my home runs and stolen bases are now only the 7th worst in the league, so that’s progress.)

I’ve still got a bunch of hitters underperforming (Jedd Gyorko, Santana, Upton, Brian McConn and Chris Carter,) but they at least have till the end of this edition of the Diary to shape up. It’s a long season, after all, and I’m an understanding taskmaster.

Oh, and as far as pitchers go — most are good, but some (Zack Wheeler, Bronson Arroyo and Justin Masterson) aren’t looking too hot, so they’re in my sights. Arroyo, don’t think just because I named my team after you that I won’t cut your ass pronto.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - APRIL 09:  Buster Posey #28 of the San Francisco Giants trots around the bases after hitting a solo home run off of Bronson Arroyo #61 of the Arizona Diamondbacks in the bottom of the fifth inning at AT&T Park on April 9, 2014 in San Francisco, California.

Bronson Arroyo and Buster Posey (Photo by Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images)

April 15

Whoopsies. I’m now down to 30 points and back to dead last. Arroyo giving up NINE earned runs yesterday did not help my case one stinking bit. All my stats, pitching and hitting-wise, are fourth from the bottom or worse. The one exception is pitching wins, where I’m a whopping fifth from the bottom. Where’s my damn trophy?

It won’t get any better any time soon, as I have ZERO pitchers playing on the 16th. Am I supposed to cut people and bring in new guys for one day only? That seems pretty silly. Do I just tough it out instead, knowing every player and team should even themselves out soon enough? I think I’m too dumb to do this alone.

April 18

Well, the 16th clearly didn’t hurt TOO much. I’m still dead last, but only dropped half a point to 29.5 points. I have eight players under .500, three pitchers with an ERA above 4, and one (Bronson Arroyo Stinks!) with an ERA of damn near TEN. I need to act stat, because there are slumps, and then there are just plain bad players. I apparently drafted every single one of the latter that the league has to offer.

My official decree: anybody batting under .200 or ERA’ing above 4 after 4/20, will be replaced. If that means everybody goes, then everybody goes. What’s the worst that can happen — I lose points?

Buy baseball tickets for this weekend’s game.

April 20

Big shocker here: I’m still in last place, this time with 27 points. Screw waiting out early season slumps — it’s been three weeks now and I’ve still got squat. The following people are about to experience the fantasy sports team equivalent of Marie Antoinette’s final minutes on Earth:

Jedd Gyorko: 9/61, 3 runs,1 homer, 8 RBI, 0 stolen bases, .148 average

Carlos Santana: 9/59, 7 runs, 1 homer, 3 RBI, 0 stolen bases, .153 average

BJ Upton: 14/66, 7 runs, 1 homers, 1 RBI, 4 stolen bases, .212 average

Jackie Bradley Jr: 11/50, 6 runs, 0 homers, 7 RBI, 2 stolen bases, .220 average

Brian McCann: 13/59, 8 runs, 3 homers, 8 RBI, 0 stolen bases, .220 average

Chris Carter: 7/53, 4 runs, 0 homers, 2 RBI, 0 stolen bases, .132 average

Old guillotine used for executions

Photo Credit: Thinkstock

Friendly reminder, guys.

David Ortiz is underperforming as well, but I’m giving him a break for now, because he does this EVERY DAMN YEAR. He sucks at first, makes everyone question if he’s too old and broken down to continue, then BOOM. 40 homers, 100 RBIs, total domination. If he still sucks in a few weeks though, then I shall be forced to say goodbye to Big Papi, no matter how eloquently he curses me out for it.

As for crud pitchers, Zack Wheeler (4.67 ERA), Hiroki Kuroda (4.07 ERA), Bronson Arroyo (9.95 ERA) and Justin Masterson (4.98 ERA) are all gone baby gone. That’s 10 guys, which prompts the system to warn me with this:

“Please be advised that roster dumping is a violation of our rules on Fair Play and Conduct. If it’s determined that you are in violation of this policy, you may be subject to expulsion from play, including forfeiture of all your teams.”

Perfect. My guys suck and I might be DQ’d if I dump them all. Still, I need to roll the dice, fire everybody I hate, and hope nobody bashes my fantasy brains in for it.

IN THEIR PLACE:

Adeiny Hechavarria, Trevor Plouffe, Dustin Ackley, Marcell Ozuna, Alberto Collapso, Mike Aviles, Scott Feldman, Edinson Volquez, Mike Leake and Garrett Richards.

Well, I’ve at least heard of Aviles before, so that’s a start. Make me proud, boys. Or at least don’t leave me totally depressed.

Check out the entire Diary Of A Fantasy Baseball Loser series.

Read our position-by-position Fantasy Baseball Preview.

Jason Iannone is a Cracked Columnist who can be found on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and his own website. Feel free to stop by and offer him fantasy baseball advice that he will promptly misinterpret and butcher beyond recognition.

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