By Jason Iannone
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If you’re an athlete in any way whatsoever, you’ve probably signed at least one autograph. For the most part, fans ask you to stick your name on the usual places, like their autograph book, an 8×10 of you or an unauthorized biography some random nobody wrote based entirely on your Wikipedia entry.
Some fans, however, get creative with what they want their favorite jock to sign. Some cases, we can’t discuss here because children and lawyers might be reading. But others are perfectly safe for work, and just plain strange. Such as…
5. Jonathan Quick Autographed a Grilled Cheese
While eating a grilled cheese sandwich, you typically have one of two thoughts: “Yum, this grilled cheese looks delicious,” or “Why the hell didn’t I order a real sandwich instead?” Very rarely do you think, “You know what would go great with this snack? Sharpie.”
That’s what one fan thought though, when he asked Los Angeles Kings goalie Jonathan Quick to sign his grilled cheese. Now, this wasn’t some pre-packaged sandwich with a plastic wrapper for Quick to sign. If it were, it’d be such a non-story that our keyboard would actively refuse to recognize our typing of the words. And if we tried speech recognition software, it would crash itself and never turn on again.
Nope, this fan was actually in the middle of eating, saw Quick and asked him to sign the twice-bitten sandwich. Also, this guy was apparently a messy eater, because Quick distinctly remembers saliva covering the area where the man had been chewing. We’re guessing Quick set a world record for scribbling the fastest signature in autographing history.
4. The Entire Liverpool FC Team Signed a Superfan’s Car
Getting your vehicle autographed might be the silliest thing imaginable, especially if it’s even semi-regularly on the road. Even if you rarely drive the thing, and just keep it in the garage like a trophy on wheels, that prized signature goes bye-bye the second your car needs washing.
Soccer superfan Erik Anderson, however, was willing to take that risk, dozens of times over. In August of 2013, he drove his 16-year-old Ford Mercury, which he had spent years decorating in Liverpool FC regalia, up to the team’s hotel. There, he managed to get every member of the team to sign his car. That’s a lot of work, time and dedication for something that could be destroyed within seconds by a particularly large mud puddle.
3. Brendan Schaub Signs a Woman’s Upper Back
Signing body parts is nothing new, especially if the goal is to turn said autograph into a tattoo. Usually the requested body parts are an arm or a leg or an unmentionable. Very rarely does a fan ask for a signature on their back. After all, how are you supposed to look at it without a mirror and a very flexible neck?
That goes double for the fan who asked MMA fighter Brendan Schaub to autograph her upper back. Like, really upper back, high enough so she would need her neck surgically replaced with an owl’s before she could stare at it in wonder. We’re assuming this fan got it tattooed afterwards, so her friends could gaze at it and all ask her the same question: “who the hell is Brendan Schaub?”
2. Nate Robinson Autographed a Baby
Babies are a lot of things – delightful, hilarious, adorable, loud, prone to puke anytime anywhere. But one thing they are not is an autograph book.
And yet here we have the NBA’s Nate Robinson, at the time a guard for Whatever Team Would Take Him (he ended up going to Denver), autographing the back of a baby. The clearly unamused baby will likely grow up, find this photo and disown his family for life.
Oh well, at least the father’s happy, and isn’t a parent’s happiness all that really counts?
1. Richard Petty Autographed a Live Duck
Generally, we don’t stick signatures on animals. Why? Because they’re ANIMALS. They’re never going to understand sports, no reputable tattoo parlor will permanently ink an animal and they’re almost certainly going to lose the autograph the second they start shedding.
All this logic didn’t stop a man from asking racing legend Richard Petty to autograph a duck. Not a roast duck in packaging, mind you – a real live, quacking duck who probably didn’t want to be there. His handler was the owner of the local petting zoo, who decided his day wasn’t complete unless one of his prized creatures had King Richard’s famous swooping signature somewhere on its body. At least until molting season, that is. Hopefully the guy preserved those feathers.
While this was plenty stupid, the duck should thank its lucky stars that his owner wasn’t a Liverpool FC superfan. Even if it had never flown south for the winter before, the prospect of being covered in a team’s worth of signatures would inspire it to learn how to do so REAL fast.
Jason Iannone is a Cracked Columnist who will sign whatever you want, except for things like bears or cobras. Anything that could kill him in retaliation, basically. Contact him via Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr for all your non-killy autographing needs.