It’s Super Bowl time, and you know what THAT means: time for some Super tailgat – oh, wait. We can’t do that this year. Poo.
The NFL’s security and recording booths will take up over half of the MetLife Stadium parking lot. Plus Roger Goodell hates us all anyway, thus the strict no-tailgating policy in effect on February 2. No grills are allowed, no pigskins can be tossed (not even if the pig was freshly skinned just for the occasion), and you can only eat in your car, an activity you might recognize as something you already do every time you’re stuck in horrible New Jersey traffic.
Combine that with the very real possibility that this could be the first-ever Super Bowl played during a torrent of freezing rain and a blizzard of slushy snow, and suddenly that $5000 you spent on a nosebleed seat seems like a pretty bad investment.
Well, might as well make the most of it. Tailgate Fan can help. Here are a few ways to have fun before Broncos-Seahawks game, while properly sticking it to the Man at the same time. The latter part is important, as there are some semi-official events around the New York area, but they aren’t Man-sticking enough for our tastes.
Why not? It’s close enough to the stadium so you can make it in time for kickoff, and it’ll annoy Goodell something fierce. After all, giving him and his league any bit of bad publicity is the worst thing you could possibly do to him (setting his family on fire is a distant second.)
Besides, since Governor Christie clearly doesn’t want to use the Bridge properly, why should you?
This is where you start to bend the rules a little (because hijacking a bridge is perfectly legal, you see.) The NFL’s no-tailgate rules state that food is fine in the car. So if you have a hatchback, or a van, or any other vehicle with a roomy roofed trunk, grab yourself a mini-grill and cook away!
Just remember to douse the flames before you go into the stadium, lest your wheels end up like the one exploded by the Allstate Mayhem guy.
The NFL only cares about Metlife Stadium until the game’s over. Plus, after the game, crap-all happens at the stadium until late-April. So come back Monday the 3rd and you’ll find you have a whole parking lot all to yourself and your buddies. You can party to your heart’s desire, and nobody will be around to stop you! Be sure to YouTube the festivities and tweet the video to @nflcommish. He’ll dig it for sure.
Eating in your car is so gauche, and eating stadium food is so expensive. What to do? Simple: take whatever you want to eat and drink, stick it into a blender and dump the pureed contents into an IV bag. Then, when you get to the stadium, stick the IV needle into your arm, conceal it under a jacket so you don’t look like a bad influence to the kids around you and feast away during the game on your favorite party food.
This is also a good strategy for any time that you’re starving but just too lazy to chew.
OK, so downloading an app isn’t exactly sticking it to Goodell, unless you purchase it on his credit card. But we can’t go the whole article without letting you know something like this exists. It’s pretty self-explanatory – swipe the screen and “throw” the football. Whoever swipes the worst buys everybody a round of $10 flat stadium draft beer.
Just don’t toss your phone around by mistake. It’ll probably get you in trouble with security, and the NFL is highly unlikely to buy you a new phone in case you fumble one too many passes.
Once again, this is you playing loose with the rules, but staying true to their literal word. The NFL’s no-tailgating rule prohibits grilling in the parking lot. They never said anything about grilling inside the stadium. So set that thing up in a cozy section of your favorite tunnel and make those steaks just the way you want them!
Also, if you grill up a delicious steak for each member of security that tries to arrest you for some made-up offense like “causing a safety hazard,” there’s at least a small chance they’ll look the other way. And every little bit helps when you’re trying to stay out of jail.
We’re not done screwing with the NFL’s rules; it’s just too much fun! The Super Bowl rules say that, as long as you stay within your parking area, you’re okay. So grab your buddies, drive in together like a funeral procession, damn near rear-ending each other if need be and grab as many spaces right next to one another as possible. As long as you each occupy one spot, you can party in peace together. Hell, you can probably even lob a football around a little this way.
And if some other car tries to butt into your parade, send ‘em careening into a wall, Twisted Metal-style. They should’ve known better than to get involved with something they knew nothing about.
Of course, you could always protest Goodell’s dictatorship with a bit of good old-fashioned performance art. Climb to the top of your car, take a seat, stick some socks on your hands and put on a whimsical puppet show in which the puppets have tons of tailgating fun while the humans have to watch sadly. If that doesn’t tug at Goodell’s cold, black heart, nothing will.
Spoiler alert: nothing will.
If you don’t want to try your luck with rule-bending or IV-sticking, being a gigantic baby might just work for you. So beg, plead, whine, cry and pout to anybody who looks like they work there, and see if they can change the rules for you. If you pick a nice enough worker, they might just let some stuff slide.
Of course, there’s a real good chance the NFL makes damn sure not to hire any nice people to work their security, so tantrum it up at your own risk.
They can’t possibly arrest ALL of you, right?
(Disclaimer: If MetLife security does somehow arrest all 80,000 of you, Tailgate Fan accepts no responsibility for your dumb-ass decision to actually listen to us. Haven’t you learned by now?)
Jason Iannone is a Cracked Columnist, freelance writer/editor, and an agent of chaos as long as he’s not directly involved. Let him know how wonderful his late-night brainstorming sessions are via Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr.