By Brian Cullen
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Bowl season just wrapped up, ladies and gents, meaning that we got a whole slew of games ranging from ridiculous (such as the Beef O’Brady Bowl. I don’t care who’s playing. That name…) to the sublime. In other words, players and teams alike were in the spotlight. And it was up to them to decide how to conduct themselves on a national stage.
BUT. This is never just limited to players. This is also the perfect chance for football announcers to make HUGE fools of themselves. To be fair, these five quotes aren’t all from college football commentators, and they weren’t all from bowl games… but the #1 – my inspiration – is. So I hope you’ll allow this minor “cheat” this one time to bring you my favorite commentator gaffes.
5. Brent Musberger Starts Our List with Gusto…
You might recognize the name Jenn Sterger. She was the young lady who was on the receiving end of Brett Favre’s most unfortunate text messages. But that wasn’t her first taste of the national spotlight. She was also known as a real pretty lady who might have been on your dorm room wall some time between 2001 and 2005 (hypothetically). But where did she come from? Right here.
Some concerns here. First of all, a creepy man hitting on a woman some 50-odd years his junior. Also, where did he get the number 1,500 from?
4. Mike Patrick asks the Question We’re All Wondering
So here’s the set up: It’s overtime. #22 Georgia is trailing #18 Alabama in overtime. Georgia has the ball. Whoever scores, wins. This is big. This is the reason we watch football in the first place. That’s when announcer Mike Patrick hits us with this gem:
“I have an important question… what is Britney doing with her life?”
The beautiful part of this clip is the ensuing awkward silence, followed by his co-announcer trying to figure out 1) He’s talking about Britney Spears, yes? 2) Why? 3) Is she there? 4) WTH?
To answer his question, she just came out with a new album, obviously.
3. Jon Gruden is an Alternative Fan
I could make an entire list of Jon Gruden quotes. The man’s ability for verbal silliness is unmatched in 2013/2014. He has inspired a weekly series of posts called “S*** Announcers Say,” and he is full of gems.
What spawned this was a game featuring the Seattle Seahawks earlier this year, in which Gruden said, “Mike, the best band to ever come out of Seattle was, of course, Pearl Jam. And that’s what I expect the Seahawks to do – just jam it up the middle.”
I- what? Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Pearl Jam. But I think “best ever” to come out of Seattle is, at best, subjective. Also, the stretch of logic from one topic to the other is tenuous. Like, sharing a common word does not a clever quip make. That’d be like, “Guys, I’ve got 10 fingers on my hands, and that’s what I’m going to do tonight, drink 10 glasses of scotch, also while listening to Ten by Pearl Jam” (OH! FULL CIRCLE!)
2. Jon Gruden Really, Really Likes Pop Culture References
Taken from the SAME GAME as the #3 quote (did anyone check his coffee before the game?) Gruden hit us with this gem:
“Mike, did you ever see the movie Cast Away? In that movie, Tom Hanks’ only friend was a ball named Wilson. In this game, Russell Wilson’s only friend is a football.”
Methinks that the following people might take umbrage with that: Marshawn Lynch, Golden Tate, Pete Carroll, the o-line and the entire city of Seattle. Also, Wilson was a volleyball, you idiot.
1. …And Brent Musberger Brings us Home
Words defy how creepy Musberger’s comments about Katherine Webb at last year’s BCS National Championship were. You have to watch it for full effect, but for those looking for the tl;dw version, essentially Musberger points out Alabama quarterback AJ McCarron’s girlfriend. As he astutely notes, she is very pretty. Miss Alabama-pretty (her being Miss Alabama and all). If he left it at that, everything would be hunky dory. But he proceeded to continue with various “hoo boys” and “mmm-MMMs” that would make even your creepy uncle uncomfortable.
The whole thing takes a turn for the legendary when Musberger encourages Alabama students to start practicing quarterback, lest they land themselves Miss Alabama as well. Ew ew ew ew ew.