Don’t look now, but your one and only chance to improve your life is here now. That’s right, it’s New Year’s resolution time, the one time of year when you’re allowed to quit smoking, lose weight, start exercising and cut junk TV out of your life. Mess it up, and you’re stuck with another year of wallowing in utter mediocrity until 2015 rolls around and gives you another go.
Athlete resolutions are a tad different, since athletes are already perfectly healthy and in tip-top shape. Also, they’re far too busy being better than us nosebleed plebeians to ever bother with trash television. Their resolutions are generally more career-oriented, as you’re about to see below. These ten gracious athletes took the time to tell us how they plan to improve themselves in 2014. And if any of them claim they never spoke to us and we’re just attributing false quotes to them, they’re lying. Which, for the record, is something many people resolve to stop doing. Maybe these guys should do the same.
10. Mike Tomlin: Learn Where the Out-of-Bounds Marker Is
“I’ve been in this league for thirteen years, long enough to realize you never know everything. You’re always improving, evolving, and learning from mistakes you’ve made in the past. Still, you think I’d have learned where the sideline is by this point. Maybe they changed it and forgot to tell anybody? Yeah, that’s probably it. They’re always screwing with the rules like that.
For 2014, I will re-learn where the playing field ends and the out-of-bounds area begins. That way, we don’t have any more issues where I’m just innocently watching the Jumbotron instead of doing my job and paying attention, and some opponent damn near crushes my innards and outtards on the way to scoring a game-winning touchdown. In the meantime though, if this happens again, can Roger Goodell please look the other way instead of picking my pocket for another 100 grand? Learning takes time, after all.”
9. Jason Kidd: Start Using Covers on My Soda Cups
“Some people have asked why I was drinking soda on the job in the first place. Well, coaching a basketball team is stressful, especially when your team could barely beat a bunch of blindfolded infants, and stress can parch your throat something fierce. So I wet my whistle with a refreshing pop, and it sucks that half the cup ended up on the court at such a convenient time. Nobody ever wants that to happen, especially if they’ve already used up all their timeouts.
For 2014, every time I need to down a cold soda (and since I coach the Nets, I’ll be stress-thirsty just about every day), I will remember to put a cover on the cup. Even though I’m now $50,000 poorer thanks to people in charge thinking I spilled that drink on purpose, I can probably afford a lid or two. And if times get real rough, and I can’t afford any more lids, I can always sell the one-sixth of 1% of the team that I own. The other owners will probably force me to do that soon enough anyhow, so why not get a head start?”
8. Tom Brady: Officially Retire the Amazing Comeback Gimmick
“I have three rings, each one decided by three measly points. My team continually goes nowhere until the last five minutes of the game, and then we pull an amazing come-from-behind victory out of our keisters. It’s a great story, a great angle – and I’m sick to death of it. I want to kick complete ass next year, instead of risking a heart attack because for 55 minutes I might as well be tossing the ball into the dumpster and setting it on fire.
Week 16’s game against Baltimore was what I want every game in 2014 to be like – just a steamroll from beginning to end. I just want to slaughter the other teams, aw-shucks my way through post-game press conference like I’m not a merciless football psychopath, and then go home to my dozen city-size mansions and Brazilian supermodel wife who is so rich, she’s technically the breadwinner in our family. Maybe then I can stop swearing on live TV.
Oh, and as a secondary resolution, I’d like Coach to appoint one guy to be my special High-Five Buddy, so I don’t get left hanging after big plays anymore.
I’m so lonely :-(”
7. Tony Romo: Ignore My Teammates until the Very End of the Game
“Hey, if Tom Brady doesn’t want to be the Amazing Comeback Guy for 2014, I’ll gladly pick up that mantle. I mean, I thought I would be the next Brady for awhile – both of us have replaced and eclipsed Drew Bledsoe, we’ve both dated gorgeous celebrities we’d barely score an autograph from if we weren’t famous, and I think I look pretty damn good in Uggs as well. So if the Comeback thing worked for him all these years, why not me?
After all, I’m already doing it. My fourth-quarter numbers are some of the best in recent history, with 22 comeback wins and a quarterback rating that’s the stuff of legends. So clearly my issue is that, too often, I trust the rest of the team too early. Once my achy-breaky back heals, and the 2014 season begins, I need to play to my strengths, and utterly ignore my team until the final 15 minutes. Only then will I allow them to touch the ball, for that is when I am at my most Romo-riffic. And with that, the new Cowboys Dynasty can commence.
Also, I should trademark ‘Romo-riffic.’ That just screams money.”
6. Dez Bryant: Take Up Yoga, Enroll in Anger Management, Cut Down on the Energy Drinks
“Apparently, I have anger issues. It seems that throwing sideline tantrums, leaving a game after your quarterback throws an interception and beating up your Mom isn’t what most people do. I’ve tried to chalk it up to pure passion, but I’m losing more and more passion for the current Dez Bryant. Besides, what if I forget myself one day and punch some 400-pound defensive tackle like he was somebody’s poor old mother? I’d probably end up buried by my poor old mother, who would probably take a few revenge shots at my corpse just before lowering me into the ground.
So for 2014, there needs to be a new Dez Bryant. A mellower, happier, more laid-back Dez. I’m gonna take up yoga, practice deep breathing, substitute my Monster Energy for chamomile tea and Jewel singing children’s lullabies on repeat, and pursue therapy, where I can work out any remaining anger in a safe, controlled, non-footbally environment. In short, say goodbye to Dez Bryant, and hello to Zen Bryant.
Oh, and I should finally buy Mom that ‘I’m Sorry’ card I keep meaning to get her. It’s the least I could do.”
5. Aaron Hernandez: Become the Best Darn Laundry Folder in the Entire US Prison System
“When every day is literally the same thing – the same four walls, the same food, and the same clothes every day, with no clocks to help us separate one minute from the next – that whole ‘new year’ bit starts to matter less and less. But now that I’m aware it’s 2014, I do in fact have a resolution in mind. No, it’s not to convince a jury of my peers that I’m not a murderous monster – these are resolutions after all, not miracles – but to become as great at my new prison job as humanly possible.
See, they’ve got me folding sheets and jumpsuits down here in Bristol, for a cool 26 cents an hour, while I await my trial. Would I rather be winning Super Bowls and making $40 million while doing so? Probably, but life has dealt me a new hand to play, so I’m going to make the most of it. I’m going to go out there every day, take it one sheet at a time, focus on the basics that every good laundry folder should know, and try to make it back to my cell with a win. And by win, I mean a raise to 27 cents an hour.”
4. Richie Incognito: No More Technology
“I learned something very valuable in 2013 – if you’re going to be a psychopathic bully, technology is not your friend. If you text racial slurs and leave angry, threatening voicemails to somebody you don’t like, and that guy actually SAVES everything, then you’re in trouble. I finally understand why the Mob doesn’t tweet.
So for 2014, I’m swearing off texting for good, even to people I probably wouldn’t bully or threaten, like my grandma. You just never know what dumbass ramblings could come out of my thumbs.
For that matter, no more technology, period. Social media? Gone. iAnything? Too risky. The phone? Forget about it; if you actually want to talk to me for some insane reason, send me a message in a balloon and hope the wind sends it my way. From now on, Richie Incognito is going to be Richie Invisible, because nobody ever got into trouble for saying or doing horrible stuff before machines came along.”
3. Tim Thomas: Quit Hockey, Join Rage Against The Machine
“2011 was the greatest year in the history of years because I won a Stanley Cup. Everything since then? Eh, not so much. Apparently, the mainstream hockey community frowns upon taking a year off because the NSA’s tracking your every move and you need to go on the lam for a bit. What a bunch of sheeple.
Wow … ‘sheeple.’ It’s like sheep and people … TOGETHER. I just blew my own mind, man! I should slap that on a t-shirt and spark a revolution. In fact, that’s what I’m gonna do for 2014 – start a political revolution! I think I’ll I hang up the skates and join Rage Against The Machine, because they’re back and ready to change the system for real this time! I don’t yet know how I’d contribute, since I can’t sing, write, or play any instruments. Maybe I’ll man the tambourine; I don’t think they have anybody who does that. But really, as long as I can be on stage with those radicals, jumping around in my $24.99 Sheeple shirt, and rousing every rabble I can possibly rouse, I’ll do whatever they ask.
Unless they ask me to get off the stage or they’ll call the police. But I’m pretty sure they hate cops, so they wouldn’t do that.”
2. Daniel Snyder: Change Name of the Washington Redskins to Something Even More Offensive
“Man, social progress sure is annoying. Every day the pressure grows for me to change the name of my Washington Redskins to something politically correct and accepting, like the Roly-Poly Fuzzy Wuzzy Puppyfaces. Of course, anyone with dog allergies would get mad if I did that. Probably anything short of the Washington Washingtons would spark a riot, and even then the vocal minority who thinks John Rutledge got screwed out of the 1789 Election would raise a fuss. I don’t think I can win.
So for 2014, I’m not even going to try. I’ll just pick the most offensive thing imaginable and run with it. This new name will be so bad, and so soul-crushing, that I can’t say it here, lest some silly writer post it on the Internet and ruin all my evil fun. But trust me – any new name I give the Redskins will be the worst name ever uttered, the type that would make Satan weep for the downfall of humanity.
And later on, when everybody begs me to go back to the Redskins name, I’ll simply laugh and REFUSE TO DO SO. Mwahahahahahaha. I spit on your Outrage Blog and dance on your petitions, for I am The Snyder, Dark King of the Terrible!”
1. Hank Steinbrenner: Force Everyone on the Yankees to Grow Big Ugly Beards
“Dad hates me. Since his death in 2010, the Yankees have not won any championships, and if Jesus would let his ghost return to Earth and skewer me with a very unghostly machete, he’d do so without hesitation.
The Yanks are old, and getting older every year. We expect to re-sign Babe Ruth next season, actually. Our plan is to not tell him how much players make nowadays, so we can pay him $80,000 like we did in the ‘30s. He’s not likely to argue, because he is a skeleton.
As far as our living players go, 2014 will present them with something new, different, and revolutionary in the Yankee ballclub: beards. Big, bushy, ugly, lice-infested beards. Yes, it’ll make Ghost Dad want to machete me even more, but it needs to happen. The Giants have won two titles on the strength of Brian Wilson’s beard, and the Red Sox won a title on the strength of everybody’s beard. Hell, even their mascot grew one! Clearly, it works, and we need to capitalize.
In fact, I don’t even care if my players practice. They can get fat, stop exercising, take up smoking, and get raging drunk every night. As long as they show up to spring training properly hirsute, we can start planning the victory parade.”
Jason Iannone is a Cracked Columnist and freelance writer/editor for good and decent websites everywhere. Resolve to hire him in 2014, and then find him on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr to deliver the good news.