Hey there tailgaters! It’s the holiday season, and we’re getting ready to sit by a lit tree in a dark room wondering when, and why, the Christmas magic left behind nothing but this aging, tax-paying husk of a human being. But that’s a thought for another day. Today, we consider the Holiday tailgate. Now, Christmas is on Wednesday, Kwanzaa on Thursday, and Hanukkah got an early jump on the year back around Thanksgiving. So your tailgate itself won’t take place during any football games, but you can still tailgate in the general proximity of your chosen reason for the season.
Today, Tailgate Fan will cover the top 10 things you’ll need for your holiday tailgate. And get yer singin’ hat on, because these can be sung to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.”
10 Winter Warmers
Ok, confession time. You don’t have to do a winter warmer, but it fit rhythmically. Fact is, winter is a lovely time to drink beers, and not just because of your crippling inability to pay your debts. Between stouts, Christmas ales and winter warmers, there are tons of good options out there. For a few good options, check out Great Lakes Christmas Ale, Anchor Christmas Ale or Samuel Smith’s Winter Warmer. (Pro tip: know why it’s called a winter warmer? It’s higher in alcohol, so it’ll keep you toasty in the cold weather. TRUTH.)
9 Ladies Dancing
This one we’re lifting directly from the original Christmas song. Simply put, I can’t think of a time that dancing ladies made a party worse. Now the question is: do you know nine women who aren’t fictional or related to you?
Photo Credit: Ezra Shaw/Getty Images
8 Racks of Ribs
No real logic here, besides the fact that (as you’ll see) most of this list is highly concentrated on alcohol (which is to say, there’s a lot of booze on this list, and the booze listed is highly concentrated.) You’ll need something to fill you up and create a good base. The only potential issue is that, if it’s chilly where you are, you’ll have to take off your gloves before chowing down. On second thought, maybe walking tacos are the way to go here.
7 Shots of Schnapps
Ain’t the holidays without a candy cane, right? But, in my opinion, candy canes are a better icon than they are a food. Think about it: you finish and you’ve got all that hardened sugar destroying your teeth. Lousy sauce. If only there was a way to get that sweet essence of peppermint in a convenient two-ounce serving? Enter peppermint schnapps. It’s minty, refreshing, and at 20% alcohol, you should be able to put down seven, right? (Note: Tailgate Fan is not now, nor has it ever been staffed with medical professionals. Please don’t drink seven shots of schnapps.)
The holidays are just about the only time you can get away with drinking liquid chocolate. So why not indulge at your tailgate? If you want to make it a more adult beverage, here’s an idea. See entry #7? Slip a little of that into your Swiss Miss. And just like that, you’re got a hot minty beverage that’ll get you good to go.
Photo Credit: Thinkstock
5 Trays of Wings
Admittedly an arbitrary number. I just want you to sing, in your mind, “FIIIIIIIIIIIVE TRAYS OF WIIIIIIIINGS!”
4 Butter Rums
Four sounds like just about the right number. Not because the rum’ll do you in, but because it’s probably not good for your health to down too many mugs of something with all that melted butter.
3 Irish Coffees
It’s probably a sign that I have a drinking problem that the thought of three whiskey drinks doesn’t sound terrible, but three cups of coffee sound like WAYYYYY too much. Anyway. These will keep you toasty and awake, especially if you get an early start to your day.
Because two mugs of eggnog is your yearly quota. Never more, never less. Exactly two mugs, and then you’ll be all set for eggnog until the following December. Also, as a quick aside – at what point in history did we decide that drinking hot eggs = Christmas? This feels like a slight jump in logic.
And a drunk guy in a Santa Suit!
Because what kind of holiday party would it be without at least one big drunk fat guy in a Santa suit, ruining childhoods everywhere? Aw, who are you kidding. You can’t stay mad at that big, fat party animal. Toast the guy and enjoy your tailgate.
That’ll do you, folks. Now get out there and enjoy Bowl Season and the remainder of the regular NFL season. And happy holidays!