Diary of a Fantasy Football Loser, Part 6

By Jason Iannone

OK, homestretch time. These next two weeks will determine whether these fantasy football teams I’ve been slapping together these past few months actually have the chops to make the playoffs or not. Both are mathematically in the hunt, but both also have to go 2-0 to have something even remotely resembling a shot.

But hey, it’s a possibility. After all, I’m not the one on the field playing, the pros are. Of course, if I were a player, I’d be forever on the bench milling around with Tim Tebow, wondering out loud where I went wrong in life and yelling at him for the thousandth time that no, I’m not interested in discussing Jesus.

Week 12
ARLINGTON, TX - NOVEMBER 28: Dez Bryant #88 of the Dallas Cowboys celebrates a touchdown against the Oakland Raiders at AT&T Stadium on November 28, 2013 in Arlington, Texas.

Dez Bryant (Photo Credit: Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

It Ain’t Easy Being Breesy rolls on, almost as if it forgot they had a loser for a manager. They won, 95-72, and are now 7-5 and in fifth place. I still have to win next week, but the playoffs are a legitimate possibility now.

Dez Bryant was a big factor, as he quit whining long enough to net me 18 points. But he wasn’t alone: Mike Wallace (24 points), Drew Brees (22 points) and Ryan Mathews (15 points) all helped bunches too. As far as the bottom feeders go, Daniel Thomas got hurt quite badly early on, to the point where he is done for the year. So while he only garnered me three points, that’s not his fault. Vincent Brown scoring zero points, however, is very much his fault. He didn’t get hurt, and technically played the entire game, but still couldn’t even get me one measly point? Sorry pal, but away you go. I’m actually looking to win with this team, no matter what the name of my diary says.

In preparation for next week, I dropped Thomas and Brown, and activated Ben Tate and Riley Cooper in their places.

Luckily for those of you who enjoy my suffering, Foles Gold is chock full of that. I lost this week AGAIN, 78-66. I’m now 4-8 and dead last in my league. I could win by a thousand points next week and it wouldn’t matter, as I’m officially out of playoff contention. Wah-wah.

FOXBORO, MA - NOVEMBER 3: Ben Roethlisberger #7 of the Pittsburgh Steelers is sacked in the 2nd half  against the New England Patriots at Gillette Stadium on November 3, 2013 in Foxboro, Massachusetts.

Ben Roethlisberger (Photo Credit: Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Nobody got me 20 points, but that wouldn’t be so bad if everyone were solid. This … did not happen. Fully half my team scored three points or under, and the brave Browns defense mustered a big fat zero. And remember last week, when I complained about having to go with Ben Roethlisberger for a week? Yeah, I had good reason to complain. The meathead could only manage 16 points, and I kicked him off the team faster than the Patriots cut Aaron Hernandez. That’s the last time I trust my team with a guy whose name I can’t spell.

For the pointless final week of the regular season, Nick Foles is back as my QB, and the Cowboys are back on defense. Maybe I can squeak out a win to finish off this season. Maybe.

Week 13

First, the good news: I’M IN THE PLAYOFFS. Breesy won its final game, 131-109, meaning I finished 8-5 and secured the fourth seed out of six. All bow at my magnificence.

HOUSTON, TX - DECEMBER 01:  Ben Tate #44 of the Houston Texans celebrates afte scoring on a 7 yard run in the first quarter against the New England Patriots at Reliant Stadium on December 1, 2013 in Houston, Texas.

Ben Tate (Photo Credit: Bob Levey/Getty Images)

The best part was that I did it despite Drew Brees having one of the worst weeks I’ve ever seen from him. 10 points is acceptable from a middle-of-the-road running back, but not from a guy who’s all but guaranteed a spot in the Hall Of Fame. Luckily, literally everyone else on my team was great this week. Nobody scored under seven points, four guys had 14 points or higher and Ben Tate kicked everything resembling an ass with 28 points.

I’ve decided to make no changes for round one, and not because I’m lazy and have better things to do. Well, not entirely anyhow. But nobody’s hurt (Tate’s got an ankle issue but he should be ready to go for Thursday,) everyone performed too well to deserve a benching. Brees is facing the Carolina Panthers next, so he’ll probably score 200 points on his own, give or take.

PHILADELPHIA, PA - DECEMBER 1: Quarterback Nick Foles #9 of the Philadelphia Eagles gets off a pass to running back LeSean McCoy #25 before getting hit by defensive end Darnell Dockett #90 of the Arizona Cardinals in the second quarter during a game at Lincoln Financial Field on December 1, 2013 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Nick Foles (Photo Credit: Rich Schultz /Getty Images)

Now for the bad news. Foles Gold lost, 102-83, finishing 4-9 and tenth place out of 10. I’d sell this team on eBay, but I’d probably have to pay somebody to take it.

Four of my players scored under four points each, and only three made it to double-digits. That’s like trying to bake a cake with a rotten egg and a cup of flour that a colony of ants had moved into. Meanwhile, my opponent had just one player score four points or under, so you can quickly conclude why my season ended as pathetically as it did.

Foles Gold is playing a consolation game next week but honestly, who cares? I certainly don’t. The next diary installment will focus entirely on Breesy’s playoff run, since I actually did something right over there. If I win the championship, I promise to share all my winnings with you, my loyal readers.

Check out the entire Diary of a Fantasy Football Loser series.

Stop in at the Man Cave Daily, where the women are hot and the beer is cold.

Jason Iannone is a Cracked Columnist and freelance editor, who wonders how many people will take him up on his offer before realizing he plays in a free league. Threaten him for getting your hopes up at Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr.


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