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Diary of a Fantasy Football Loser, Part 5

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MIAMI GARDENS, FL - NOVEMBER 17: Miami Dolphins fans hold a 'defense' sign up while the San Diego Chargers have the ball during second quarter action on November 17, 2013 at Sun Life Stadium in Miami Gardens, Florida. The Dolphins defeated the Chargers 20-16.

Photo Credit: Joel Auerbach/Getty Images

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The fantasy football homestretch is about to begin. Unfortunately, my home is on fire. I need a miracle (or “a bunch of wins,” for you non-religious types) if I want to even sniff a playoff berth. Judging on what I’ve put up with these last couple of months, that’s not likely to happen.

But hey, you never know. Maybe this will end up becoming one of those inspiring Hollywood underdog movies in which the scrappy lead pulls himself up by his jockstrap, summons all the fighting spirit he can muster and powers his way to improbable victory (not to mention into the pants of every cheerleader in town).

Nah, that’ll never happen. I’d look horrible in a jockstrap.

CHICAGO, IL - NOVEMBER 10: Jay Cutler #6 of the Chicago Bears is taken down by Nick Fairley #98 of the Detroit Lions at Soldier Field on November 10, 2013 in Chicago, Illinois. The Lions defeated the Bears 21-19.

Jay Cutler (Photo Credit: Jonathan Daniel/Getty ImageWEEK 10

Week 10

Hey, I’m off to a good start, as It Ain’t Easy Being Breesy won, 107-95. I’m now sixth place out of 14, good enough for the final playoff spot, which means I DEMAND THE SEASON END NOW NOW NOW.

Pretty please?

Eh, nobody cares about my hopes and dreams. Anyhow, I won due to Jay Cutler falling to pieces on my opponent, combined with my Dolphins defense not completely embarrassing themselves as I envisioned. I guess they found a way to get riled up and motivated over the shoddy treatment the big bad cruel world has bestowed on their psychopathic racist bully of a teammate. Also, Drew Brees got me 40 points and Riley Cooper got me 25, so clearly they too were determined to win one for the racist psychos of the world.

As far as byes go, they sadly still exist. This week I lose Dez Bryant, so Vincent Brown takes his place. Yes, that IS like dining at an expensive five-star restaurant, so fancy even the salad dressing is made out of liquefied gold, one day, and then settling for Chef Boyardee shaped like SpongeBob SquarePants the next. Why do you ask?

Also, I’m subbing out the Dolphins defense and putting the Lions in their place. I’m not sure why; I just got a feeling. Hopefully that feeling isn’t oncoming diarrhea.

NASHVILLE, TN - NOVEMBER 14:   Adam Vinatieri #4 and  Pat McAfee #1 of the Indianapolis Colts react after scoring a field goal in the second quarter against the Tennessee Titans at LP Field on November 14, 2013 in Nashville, Tennessee.

Adam Vinatieri (Photo Credit: Andy Lyons/Getty Images)

Meanwhile, the Jolly Rodgers proved to be completely non-jolly, losing 68-45. What’s worse: two of my opponent’s players were on IR. And I still lost. Of course, when Adam Vinatieri garners you exactly ZERO points, the Cowboys defense earns a perversely impressive -9 points and four other guys manage 4 points or less, these things tend to happen.

In other shocking news, I’m dead last in this league, and pretty much need to run the table if I want to squeak into the playoffs. Also, everybody else needs to fall off the table and break their necks in real life. Should that happen, I might make the Wild Card.

The Cowboys are on bye next week, so the Browns defense will take their place, always the sign of a good time. Because I’m a forgiving guy, I won’t dump anybody for now. Everyone gets a second chance next week to prove this garbage was a fluke. Except for Tony Gonzales, who stinks enough for a benching in favor on Ryan Mathews. I hope he learns from this demotion, and takes some time to sit in his room and think about what he’s done.

Oh, and because I’m all about making important decisions in life, I’m changing the team name. Rodgers isn’t coming back any time soon, and this team sucks too much to be “jolly.” Therefore, the team’s official new name (registered with Roger Goodell and everything) is “Foles Gold.” Seems apropos.

NEW ORLEANS, LA - NOVEMBER 17:  Dan Skuta #51 of the San Francisco 49ers pressures Drew Brees #9 of the New Orleans Saints at Mercedes-Benz Superdome on November 17, 2013 in New Orleans, Louisiana.

Drew Brees (Photo Credit: Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Week 11

So much for miracles. Breesy lost, 122-75. I’m now 6-5, and eighth place out of 14. I absolutely have to go 2-0 the next two weeks if I want any prayer of a playoff spot. So all of you NFL players reading this: please play better if you’re on my team, and please play much, much worse if you are not. Thank you.So what caused the loss this time? Oh, just a cool -6 from the Lions defense. So that feeling I had was diarrhea after all. In addition, nobody (not even Drew Brees) got me more than 16 points. Meanwhile, my opponent had nobody in negative digits, seven players with 9 or more points, and a whopping 33 from Antonio Brown. I wonder if I could trade for Antonio Brown.

Nope, tried it. Didn’t work. In which case, time for prepare for Week 12 and sub away. Daniel Thomas and Dez Bryant are in, replacing the on-bye Riley Cooper and BenJarvus Green-Ellis. I’m swapping my defenses around AGAIN, giving the Dolphins another shot. I need to find an all-offense fantasy league next year. I’ll still lose, but at least no team will actively cost me points because the nose tackle lets everybody through like the world’s worst bouncer.

PHILADELPHIA, PA - NOVEMBER 17:  Quarterback Nick Foles #9 of the Philadelphia Eagles jogs off the field following the Eagles 24-16 win over the Washington Redskins at Lincoln Financial Field on November 17, 2013 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Nick Foles (Photo Credit: Rob Carr/Getty Images)

But hey, Foles Gold won, so that’s something! And it was convincing too, with a score of 96-53 thanks to solid work from everyone, and crud work from my opponent. I should’ve changed their name long ago.

I’m currently 4-7 and 9th place out of 10. If I lose one more game, I’m almost certainly done for. Hell, if anybody in the league wins one more game, I’m probably done for. My one and only hope is to hack the server of the site hosting my league and make everybody 0-13. I won’t alter my record though, because it’d be hilarious to go 4-9 and still win the Championship.

But since I can’t do that, I have to win. Problem is, I probably can’t do that either, especially since Nick Foles is on bye next week. My backup is Aaron Rodgers, who doctors still haven’t rebuilt into an unstoppable cyborg warrior because they’re lazy. Luckily, he is now Droppable, so out he goes in favor of [chokes back vomit] Ben Roethlisberger. Luckily, I only need one decent week from that insufferable meathead, and then back to the trash heap he goes.

Meanwhile, I’m activating Trent Richardson in place of the on-bye Ellis. Also, Marlon Brown is gone, because even Marlon Wayans would have been a better wide receiver. At least Wayans was kind of funny in the first Scary Movie. He loses points for literally everything else he’s ever done in his entire life, but hey, nobody’s perfect.

I’ll be back in two weeks, hopefully with a couple playoff berths under my belt. Then again, I yearn for lots of things that will never enter my life. I should really stop hoping for things.

Check out the entire Diary of a Fantasy Football Loser series.

Stop in at the Man Cave Daily, where the women are hot and the beer is cold.

Jason Iannone is a Cracked Columnist, freelance editor and writer, and professional loser, technically. You should follow him everywhere and make him feel like less of a loser.

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