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Diary of a Fantasy Football Loser, Part 4

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MIAMI GARDENS, FL - OCTOBER 31: A Cincinnati Bengals fan waits for the start of a game against the Miami Dolphins at Sun Life Stadium on October 31, 2013 in Miami Gardens, Florida.

Photo Credit: Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images

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Fantasy football rages on, and I’m still awful at it. When last I reported my progress, my teams had completely fallen to pieces, with one of them dead last in its league. At this point, my only goal is to escape the basement and cross the finish line with a respectable second-to-last showing.

But I have to make it there first, and not completely quit on my team in the process. How’d I fare this time around? Let’s find out.

WEEK 8:

If Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind were real, I would totally use that machine to wipe my memory of Week 8. Breesy lost 128-82, as you probably assumed. Drew Brees had an amazing day (43 points,) and Dez Bryant had a great one too (22 points.) Problem is, nobody else showed up. In two cases, they LITERALLY didn’t show up; Ronnie Hillman and Fred Davis were last-minute scratches, but their coaches never informed of this so I could make some quickie adjustments. Head Coaches of billion-dollar professional sports teams can be so inconsiderate sometimes.

DETROIT, MI - OCTOBER 27: Calvin Johnson #81 of the Detroit Lions runs for extra yards after a third quarter catch while playing the Dallas Cowboys at Ford Field on October 27, 2013 in Detroit, Michigan. Detroit won the game 31-30.

Calvin Johnson (Photo Credit: Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)

My only consolation here is that, even at full-strength, I wasn’t winning this week. Why? Because my opponent was playing Calvin Johnson, who exploded for 51 painful points. I could’ve had a whole team of Breeses and Bryants, and it wouldn’t matter, because I wasn’t beating Megatron. This is the stuff I tell myself in between tears.

Hillman, David Akers, and the Lions defense have a bye next week, so I’m replacing them with the Dolphins D and Ryan Mathews. As far as a backup kicker goes, it turns out I didn’t have one. Naturally. So Hillman’s gone in favor of Nick Folk, the Jets kicker who is shockingly not useless. Yes, I’m hopeless enough to rely on the Jets to succeed. Luckily, they’ve been halfway decent this year, which means they will immediately revert to butt-fumbling Same Ol’ Jets mode come Sunday. You’ll see.

Also, Fred Davis is gone baby gone, both because Antonio Gates is back and still awesome, and because Davis has managed five points all YEAR. And those were in the first two WEEKS. How I never noticed that when picking him up for the bye, I’ll never understand. Joe Flacco’s gone too, because why would I keep his Elite-But-Not-Really ass around any longer than necessary? In their places, I picked up Jeremy Kerley and Daniel Thomas for the bench, and Ted Ginn to replace Julian Edelman, who is suddenly nowhere to be found, now that the Pats have better WRs back from injury.

FOXBORO, MA - OCTOBER 27: Tom Brady #12 of the New England Patriots looks for an open man in the first half against the Miami Dolphins at Gillette Stadium on October 27, 2013 in Foxboro, Massachusetts.

Tom Brady (Photo Credit: Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Regarding the Jolly Rodgers: I crapped the bed there too, 84-55. My opponent wasn’t great or anything (Tom Brady only got him six points, for dang’s sake,) but he had five players with 10 points or above. Solid is usually hard to beat, especially when your team is un-solid to the point of melting. Rodgers was great as usual (22 points). Wes Welker was good too, with 14 points, but nobody else got me more than eight.

Oh, and I definitely forgot to activate my new kicker, who I picked up just last week, simply so I could use him this week. I’m awesome. He only managed seven points though, so I wouldn’t have won with him anyway. Just like with Megatron, this is what I tell myself to keep from downing that second gallon of vodka.

Welker and Boldin are on byes next week, and Hillman is gone, so I’m activating Andre Johnson and picking up Danny Woodhead and Golden Tate in their places. Also, Matthew Stafford can say goodbye; Rodgers already had his bye, so why exactly was I keeping him around? I also picked up Mike Tolbert for the bench, in case anyone else decides to start sucking royally.

Damn, that was a lot of movement for one week, but when you’re desperate to not be the worst, you take chances. Hopefully, some of them were worth the trouble.

MIAMI GARDENS, FL - OCTOBER 31: (R)  Dannell Ellerbe #59 of the Miami Dolphins catches an interception as (L)  Mohamed Sanu #12 of the Cincinnati Bengals and  (C) Jimmy Wilson #27 of the Miami Dolphins battle at Sun Life Stadium on October 31, 2013 in Miami Gardens, Florida.

Miami Dolphins defense (Photo Credit: Chris Trotman/Getty Images)

WEEK 9:

Oh cool, looks like all that moving around worked, as Breesy won this week, 110-91. I earned 21 points from the Dolphins defense, which helped a ton. So even though the entire team is shamed by Richie Incognito outing himself as a psychopathic racist bully, at least they can rest easy knowing they helped me win.

It also helped that my opponent did not replace Reggie Bush, who was on a bye. I expect this to happen a lot, as we’ve reached the point in the season when many bottom-feeding owners abandon their teams. On the one hand, it cripples competition when they do this, and victories feel hollower when they’re against a team with five guys either hurt or on bye. On the other hand, it’s the ultimate loser litmus test; if I ever lose to a team with half their guys not doing anything, I’ll officially be the worst of the worst, and will need to find something else to do. Fantasy bowling, maybe. Is that a thing?

Nick Folk, the Jets kicker, is on bye, so David Akers gets one more chance to not suck. Also, I dropped Jeremy Kerley due to equal parts injury and awfulness. I picked up Riley Cooper in his place, and will play him next week in place of Ted Ginn, who’s fast becoming a giant load of nothing. I probably should cut him completely, but I’m a passionate fellow, so I’ll judge his performance next week. Unless I forget.

GREEN BAY, WI - NOVEMBER 04: Aaron Rodgers #12 of the Green Bay Packers returns to the field after a colar bone injury which occurred in the first half of the game against the Chicago Bears during the game at Lambeau Field on November 04, 2013 in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Aaron Rodgers (Photo Credit: Mike McGinnis/Getty Images)

Then there are the Jolly Rodgers. Remember a few hundred words ago, when I asked why I would need a backup now that Rodgers was done with his bye? One broken collarbone later, and I’m — wait for it — scrambling for a backup. Once again, the football gods have punished me for my hubris.

Or maybe not, since I actually WON, 102-91, though it was a fairly ugly win. My opponent had three guys on bye that he played anyway because he doesn’t care anymore. And I STILL only won by 11. What’s worse is I only won because Andre Johnson decided to have a monster game, netting me 40 points. He hadn’t even come close to that number previously, but I’ll play him next week anyway, because what could possibly go wrong?

So what to do about Rodgers: He’s an Undroppable Player, so I need to kill off some other underperforming schmuck to make room for Nick Foles, the new Eagles quarterback who absolutely lit up the Raiders this week, and who is now mine all mine. The unfortunate cut victim is Golden Tate, who I probably never should’ve taken last week after all. In his place is Wes Welker, back from his bye and ready to help me finally flee last place. Please?

Check out the entire Diary of a Fantasy Football Loser series.

Stop in at the Man Cave Daily, where the women are hot and the beer is cold.

Jason Iannone is a Cracked Columnist, freelance editor and writer, and now a morning TV news star! You should follow him everywhere, just in case he becomes the next Oprah or something.

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