Diary of a Fantasy Football Loser, Part 3

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HOUSTON, TX- SEPTEMBER 29: A Houston Texans fans sits dejected after turning the ball over on down in overtime against the Seattle Seahawks on September 29, 2013 at Reliant Stadium in Houston, Texas.

Photo Credit: Thomas B. Shea/Getty Images

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Previously, on Diary of a Fantasy Football Loser, I was … not a loser? I wasn’t running away with either of my leagues, but I shockingly wasn’t in last either. In addition, It Ain’t Easy Being Breesy was flying high on a three-game winning streak, and I actually started to realize this diary could stretch into the playoffs.

Unfortunately, the Football Gods heard my thoughts, and have punished me for thinking too far ahead and not taking it one game at a time and not focusing on my opponent and whatever other clichés boring athletes mutter into a mic whenever they’re forced to say something besides GAME TIME HOO.

In a nutshell, these past two weeks have not been kind to me. How so? Well …

WEEK 6:

Good news first: Breesy won again, making it four in a row! I’m now in 5th place, which will ensure me a playoff spot in that league if I maintain pace. I’m not really sure how I won, since I only managed 86 points. Luckily, my opponent could only pull off 76, so that probably helped a bit. I mean, none of my guys were particularly great, but nobody was the worst either; it was just solidness all around, really.

FOXBORO, MA - OCTOBER 13: Drew Brees #9 of the New Orleans Saints scrambles with the ball against the New England Patriots at Gillette Stadium on October 13, 2013 in Foxboro, Massachusetts.The New England Patriots defeated the New Orleans Saints 30-27.

Drew Brees (Photo Credit: Elsa/Getty Images)

Also, Drew Brees did the greatest thing that a guy who plays fantasy and watches reality could hope for. He played well enough to net me 20 points and help me win, and his Saints still lost to my beloved Patriots. And in excruciating fashion too! Peanut butter and chocolate isn’t as good a combo.

As far as byes go, I’m not losing anybody — oh, except for Brees. For that, I need to break out the adult language: CA-CA. So for one week, I must pin my hopes and dreams on the Elite Quarterback, Joe Flacco. If he gives me 30+, I might have to officially change this column’s title to Diary of a Fantasy Football GOD.

GREEN BAY, WI - OCTOBER 20: Quarterback Aaron Rodgers #12 of the Green Bay Packers stands on the field during warmups before the game against the Cleveland Browns at Lambeau Field on October 20, 2013 in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Aaron Rodgers (Photo by Brian Kersey/Getty Images)

Of course, the God thing might be a hard sell, since the Jolly Rodgers rolled over and died, 89-66. It was crud all around; Rodgers was just plain meh (16 points,) and when three players (Greg Olsen, Anquan Boldin, and the Browns’ defense) combine for four flippin’ points, the only opponents I can hope to beat are the ones who forgot to sub out the eight guys they had on bye that week. Which, sadly, has not happened to me yet.

Nobody’s on a bye, but I benched Boldin and the Browns D, due to them making me angry… very angry indeed. They’ve been replaced by Marlon Brown and the Cowboys defense. Brown isn’t particularly good (in fact, he kinda eats it), but nobody wants to trade with me, and the waiver wire is worthless. Hopefully he’ll wake up and remember how to play football come Week 7.

WEEK 7:

Nope; not only did he forget how to play football, so did just about my entire roster did. Breesy lost big, 114-82. It turns out Joe Flacco is not as elite a quarterback as his big dumb mouth makes him out to be, since the best he could do was 16 points. Guess I’m not a God after all; at least I’m still in sixth place, good enough for the final playoff spot in an imaginary world where the season ends now.

PITTSBURGH, PA - OCTOBER 20:  Joe Flacco #5 of the Baltimore Ravens scrambles out of the pocket against LaMarr Woodley #56 of the Pittsburgh Steelers during the game on October 20, 2013 at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Joe Flacco (Photo Credit: Justin K. Aller/Getty Images)

But it wasn’t just Flacco being decidedly un-elite; BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Vincent Brown and David Akers all proved why the NFL needs a minor league system, as each one mustered five points or less. The Lions defense schooled them all however, delivering an amazing zero points at my feet. Stupid Detroit; now I’m doubly happy the Tigers lost the ALCS.

Also, I apparently forgot bye weeks exist when drafting these teams, because I definitely have five guys taking a week off all at the same time: Flacco (oh Lord, how shall I survive this one?), Ryan Mathews, Vince Brown, Ben Tate and Antonio Gates. The loss of Gates, even for a week, makes me exceptionally weepy. Unfortunately, Roger Goodell won’t return my 500 or so emails demanding that nobody on my team have a bye ever, so I’m sadly SOL here.

In their places, I’ve re-inserted Brees, along with Fred Davis, Mike Wallace and Ronnie Hillman. Regarding the Lions D, I’m going to keep them despite last week’s awfulness, because my alternate D is the Dolphins, who are about to play what I presume are an exceptionally pissed-off New England Patriots. My gut says they won’t be defending much of anything come Sunday.

Monster tackle

Photo Credit: Thinkstock

As far as the Jolly Rodgers go, they’re officially hopeless. I lost 94-80, and am now dead last in the league. Rodgers and Adam Vinatieri were great, and the Cowboys D got me 15 points, rendering each and every player there officially kissable. The entire rest of my team, however, was 50 Shades of Suck. My opponent wasn’t even that dominant; they simply had fewer single-digit flophouses than I did.

And hey, it’s Mega Bye Week over here too! I’m officially an awful drafting dude! Vinatieri, Mathews, Trent Richardson, Marlon Brown and Andre Johnson are all benched. In their places are Boldin, Hillman, Tony Gonzales and AH POOPIE I GOT NO BACKUP KICKER. This “only draft one kicker” strategy I adopted has turned out to be a fantastically stupid idea.

Luckily, I have an easy out. Jermichael Finley is gone for the foreseeable future due to a spinal cord injury, so I heartlessly dumped him in favor of Akers. I haven’t been terribly impressed with Akers lately, but it’s better than no kicker at all. That is, unless he scores zero, which is a depressingly realistic possibility.

Thanks to a series of emails that you didn’t read unless you’re in the NSA, this Diary is officially bi-weekly. So I’ll be back in a couple weeks to let you all know how badly Weeks 8 and 9 treated me. If my next installment is entitled Diary of a Fantasy Football Alcoholic, you’ll know it didn’t turn out so hot.

Check out the entire Diary of a Fantasy Football Loser series.

Stop in at the Man Cave Daily, where the women are hot and the beer is cold.

Jason Iannone doesn’t play Fantasy Football for money, because he would go bankrupt if he did. Brag to him about how much better your teams are via Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter.

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