Tune In - Tailgate Fan: College Edition | Schedule: Thursdays @ 6:30 EST / 3:30 PST | CBS Sports Network   CHECK OUT - Tailgate Fan Videos | Schedule: Tuesdays & Wednesdays | Tailgate Fan

Diary of a Fantasy Football Loser, Part 2

View Comments
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - DECEMBER 19: Eli Manning #10 of the New York Giants walks off the field dejected after losing to the Philadelphia Eagles 38-31 on December 19, 2010 at The New Meadowlands Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey.

Eli Manning (Photo Credit: Al Bello/Getty Images)

Rate this:

Previously on Diary of a Fantasy Football Loser, I was a loser. I joined two leagues despite barely possessing enough football knowledge for one, and quickly exposed my ineptitude to the world. After a series of bad decisions, such as forgetting that Thursday Night Football exists (to be fair, everybody forgets that,) and neglecting to play good people that I had just traded for, I ended up 0-2 in one league, and 1-1 in the other. I still have no clue how I managed to win even one game.

Will this continue going forward? Or will I actually fluke my way into being a fantasy football winner? Let’s find out together.

Week 3

So this week wasn’t a total loss, as I went 1-1. It Ain’t Easy Being Breesy won 108-93, but not much because of anything I did. No, my opponent had Eli Manning as quarterback, which is normally a good thing. Not this week though; Manning completely forgot how football works (something I wish he had done in those two Super Bowls) and only managed an abysmal four points. Even though his team is beyond horrible this year, he himself is almost never that bad, and any other week I probably would’ve been crushed.

I made no moves while prepping Breesy for Week 4, not because I’m lazy (even though I am,) but because there actually wasn’t a need. Everyone was healthy, nobody had a bye the next week and nobody actively sucked, so why change anything? I realize this diary is about being a loser, but I’m not actively sabotaging my team to do so. If I butt-fumble my way into winning, so be it.

Luckily, I have the Jolly Rodgers to keep me humble. I lost that game, 76-66. Marlon Brown and Jermichael Finley are to blame (or to praise if you enjoy my suffering), as they exploded for a combined zero points. Ick. At least Finley had an excuse, suffering a nasty concussion and leaving early. Brown had no such concussion, and no such excuse. He just plain sucked; luckily, he only makes an absurd amount of money, as opposed to an obscenely pornographic amount of money. Only people who are good at their job should earn an obscenely pornographic paycheck.

GREEN BAY, WI - OCTOBER 6:  Matthew Stafford #9 of the Detroit Lions passes the ball against the Green Bay Packers defense at Lambeau Field on October 6, 2013 in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Matthew Stafford (Photo Credit: Tom Lynn /Getty Images)

Sadly, unlike with Breesy, I had a bunch of people on bye coming up, including Aaron Rodgers. So I swapped out Rodgers, Finley, Greg Olsen and Marlon Brown (no bye, just sucktitude,) and inserted Anquan Boldin, Joique Bell and Matthew Stafford.

This is the point where I realized I had no tight ends not on byes. That’s like entering a highway with no stops or exits for a hundred miles, and realizing ten miles in that you forgot to gas up. I quickly proposed a trade for Olsen and Brown in exchange for Antonio Gates, who was both active and not the worst.

Sadly, that other owner forgot to take his stupid pills that day, as he quickly declined my trade, offering up Tony Gonzalez for Joique Bell instead. This made me whimper like a puppy, because I like Bell, but I REALLY need a TE, and everyone on the waiver wire blew chunks. This makes sense though; if they were any good, they’d be on a team.

I held my nose and accepted the trade, hoping that it wouldn’t result in crashing failure. On the other hand, if it did, then I’d have more material. Why can’t life just be simple?

NEW ORLEANS, LA - SEPTEMBER 30:  Nolan Carroll #28 of the Miami Dolphins defends a pass intended for Marques Colston #12 of the New Orleans Saints during a game at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome on September 30, 2013 in New Orleans, Louisiana.  The Saints defeated the Dolphins 38-17.

Photo Credit: Stacy Revere/Getty Images

Week 4

This was the week when I started to wonder if I could actually win a league, because I definitely went 2-0, with both victories hands-down blowouts. Breesy won 151-110, thanks to Antonio Gates, Dez Bryant and Drew Brees having awesome games. Holy crap, I might have actually built a decent team!

Except for my defense, of course. As I’ve mentioned in the past, I can never pick a good defense, and this week was no exception, as the Miami Dolphins vomited up -3 points. Still, I made no new moves; nobody’s on a bye and, like a poker player on a roll, there’s no need to alter anything that might kill my good luck. As far as Miami goes, they get one more chance before I dump them in favor of another defense that will probably suck just as much.

The Jolly Rodgers, meanwhile, actually did BETTER than Breesy, slaughtering their opponents 124-76. Even with all those byes, and having to deal with Stafford as my QB, I still killed it. Tony Gonzales gave me 26 points, so for at least one week, that trade worked beautifully. Everyone else got me between 10 and 19 points, which is as solid a performance as I could ask for. Well, except for Ben-Jarvus Green-Ellis, who got me all of 1 point. Thanks, loser; if you didn’t have such a fun name to say, I’d have dumped you already.

While I didn’t drop him I sure as hell benched him, along with Stafford, in favor of Rodgers and Andre Johnson. There were no byes to deal with this week, which gave me time to sit back, eat nachos and ponder how this series is supposed to continue if I somehow stop embarrassing myself.

ARLINGTON, TX - OCTOBER 6:  Dez Bryant #88 of the Dallas Cowboys runs the ball against the Denver Broncos at AT&T Stadium on October 6, 2013 in Arlington, Texas.  The Broncos defeated the Cowboys 51-48.

Dez Bryant (Photo Credit: Wesley Hitt/Getty Images)

Week 5

OK, this is starting to get scary. Breesy won AGAIN, 121-88. Dez Bryant was an absolute beast, earning me over 30 points. I officially forgive him for beating up his mother (until he stops producing, at which point he’ll be a mom-beating piece of crap once again.)

Hell, even the Dolphins did well this week, bringing me 11 points. Sadly, they’re on a bye next week, so I must bench them in favor of… nobody? As it turns out, I never got me a backup defense. Oh goodie, I’m still a loser. But I don’t want to dump the Dolphins, since they actually proved themselves for once.

This means that Zack Miller, who’s both useless and injured, is gone baby gone. In his place, I picked up the Lions defense, checked the waiver stats to see it would be ready to go tomorrow, and then proceeded to cancel it by pressing the wrong button like a moron. I swear this wasn’t because I needed material. I did it because I hadn’t finished my coffee yet, and because I’m naturally quite stupid. Luckily, my fantasy football host doesn’t penalize players for blatant idiocy, and I was allowed to redo the deal. Barring any shenanigans from other teams, I should have the Lions for next week.

Mike Wallace is also a Dolphin, so he’s benched in favor of Vincent Brown, who’s been doing pretty damn good while on my bench. Let’s hope this continues now that he’s actually useful to me.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - AUGUST 17: Adrian Peterson #28 of the Minnesota Vikings looks on from the sidelines during the second quarter of the game against the Buffalo Bills on August 17, 2012 at Mall of America Field at the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Adrian Peterson (Photo Credit: Hannah Foslien/Getty Images)

The Jolly Rodgers apparently noticed Breesy was on a winning streak though, because they lost badly this week. Score-wise, it wasn’t a blowout (80-71,) but my opponent had forgotten to bench Adrian Peterson, who was on a bye. So he was down one of the best running backs around, didn’t play anybody else, and I STILL lost. Ouchie.

One big reason is the gigantic zero I got from Ryan Mathews. But he suffered a concussion early on, so I guess I can’t be too mad at him. I guess. Either way, he’s benched for next week in favor of Green-Ellis, who still gets by on his awesome name. For now.

Tony Gonzalez is out too, due to a bye, which stinks since he’s awesome and all. Why can’t byes be restricted to crappy players? If a good player is on a team that’s on a bye, trade him for a week! Make him play! I want points! Grr!

But since nobody listens to me, I’m forced to sub out Gonzalez. My only decent replacement is Greg Olsen, who appears to have hurt his foot. He’s not been officially scratched yet, so he better man up and get better, because a schmuck on the Internet said he should.
I’ll be back later with Weeks 6 through Whenever My Editor Wants The Next One, and let’s hope my goodish luck continues. If it doesn’t, let’s hope I can least keep my commentary PG. Anyone who’s ever had a bad fantasy team knows how hard that can be.

Check out the entire Diary of a Fantasy Football Loser series.

Stop in at the Man Cave Daily, where the women are hot and the beer is cold.

Jason Iannone doesn’t play Fantasy Football for money, because he would go bankrupt if he did. Brag to him about how much better your teams are via Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter.

Rate this:

View Comments
blog comments powered by Disqus
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 73 other followers