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Diary of a Fantasy Football Loser: Part 1

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GLENDALE, AZ - DECEMBER 18: A fan of the Cleveland Browns reacts during the NFL game against the Arizona Cardinals at the University of Phoenix Stadium on December 18, 2011 in Glendale, Arizona. The Cardinals defeated the Browns 20-17 in overtime.

Photo Credit: Christian Petersen/Getty Images

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I’ve long wondered what the “fantasy” in fantasy football actually meant. Certainly it can’t mean “the ultimate team I would create based on only the very best players around,” because after round 7 of the draft, I’m scraping the barrel with people I’ve never heard of. Sorry Zach Miller, but it’s true; I only picked you because I was running out of ideas and your name sounds kind of cool.

The old joke of fantasy football being nothing but gorgeous babes from my fantasies isn’t the case either. For one thing, that would be silly, because most of them don’t play football. And if there’s a Lingerie Legends fantasy league out there, I sure as hell can’t find it.

I’ve concluded that, in my case, “fantasy” means my fantastical belief that I’d be any good at this. This is the fourth year I’ve played, and I’ve only had one decent season so far. That was my first season; it appears my luck was all used up then, because I‘ve been atrocious since.

Luckily, the good people at Tailgate Fan have allowed me to keep a running log of my latest pitiful attempt to control the fates of a bunch of muscly muscleheads who have the nerve to act like my drafting them isn’t important to their career, or day-to-day lives, whatsoever. Snobs.

This year, I have two teams, but I have a feeling “double your pleasure, double your fun” will not apply in this case. Firstly, here are the rosters I drafted:

Drew Brees tackled

Photo Credit: Bob Levey/Getty Images

IT AIN’T EASY BEING BREESY:

Starters:
Drew Brees, NO QB
Ryan Mathews, SD RB
BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Cin RB
Dez Bryant, Dal WR
Mike Wallace, Mia WR
Antonio Gates, SD TE
Ben Tate, Hou RB
Dolphins D/ST
David Akers, Det K

Bench:
Joe Flacco, Bal QB
Vincent Brown, SD WR
Ronnie Hillman, Den RB
Greg Little Cle WR
Zach Miller, Sea TE
Fred Davis, Wsh TE

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - SEPTEMBER 08:  Quarterback Aaron Rodgers #12 of the Green Bay Packers celebrates against the San Francisco 49ers at Candlestick Park on September 8, 2013 in San Francisco, California.

Photo Credit: Jeff Gross/Getty Images

THE JOLLY RODGERS:

Starters:
Aaron Rodgers, GB QB
Trent Richardson, Cle RB
Ryan Mathews, SD RB
Wes Welker, Den WR
Andre Johnson, Hou WR
Greg Olsen, Car TE
Danny Amendola, NE WR
Steelers D/ST
Adam Vinatieri, Ind K

Bench:
Matthew Stafford, Det QB
BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Cin RB
Shane Vereen, NE RB
Anquan Boldin, SF WR
Jermichael Finley, GB TE
Ronnie Hillman, Den RB
Cowboys D/ST

I’m sure a bunch of you who actually know something about fantasy football are gnashing your teeth in anger over some of my choices (especially using an Elite Quarterback like Joe Flacco as a benchwarmer). But hey, who knows what will happen? Fantasy football, at its heart, is just as much a crapshoot as rolling dice or picking Door #3, so maybe I’ll get super lucky. Let’s find out.

What does your Fantasy Football Draft Say about You as a Tailgater?

Fantasy Football Fan Player

Photo Credit: Thinkstock

Week 1

I started off decently enough, with a win and loss. The Jolly Rodgers pulled off a 96-83 win, thanks to nobody actively sucking. Breesy lost 110-99, but again nobody actively sucked (the other guy had a TE score over 30 points, which is hard to overcome no matter who you are.) In fact, my defense got me 16 points, which almost never happens because I’ve never picked a consistently good defense in my life.

But there are signs that I’m about to get hurt, and get hurt bad. For one thing, Danny Amendola suffered a groin pull, or a sports hernia, or a head cold, or whatever the Patriots team quack diagnosed him with. He finished the game and actually got me 10 points, but I quickly realized he had to go. He gets hurt every year, and shows no signs of stopping. Why I picked him at all is beyond me; I was probably hypnotized by Bill Belichick’s soothing monotone, just like everyone else here in New England. Damn you, you beautiful boring hype machine!

Man slams head on computer

Photo Credit: Thinkstock

Week 2

Oh boy. I just pulled out of the driveway, and the wheels are already starting to come off. On both cars, no less. Over on the Breesy team, I dropped Greg Little for Julian Edelman, which was actually a great idea. What was less great was how I forgot the Patriots played a Thursday night game (even though I watched the game,) and never got around to activating Edelman off the bench. That oversight cost me 21 points, which I really could have used, since I lost by roughly 20.

As far as the Jolly Rodgers go, I attempted to drop Amendola, choosing to do so by swapping him out in favor of Edelman. Unfortunately, my waiver claim was unsuccessful, not that the league bothered to notify me or anything. This meant no Edelman, and that Amendola stayed on my team.
Now, as we’ve already established, I forgot that the game I was watching on Thursday was actually being played on Thursday, and so I never thought to check my roster beforehand. Amendola, who did not play for realsies that week, was on my active roster. Those zero points hurt me oh-so-slightly, en route to an embarrassing 23-point loss (the Steelers D going into negative numbers didn’t help me either.)

On a less-damaging note (except in regards to my reputation,) I successfully dropped Shane Vereen for Joque Bell, and proceeded to forget to stick Bell on the active roster. I’m intelligent, I swear! Luckily, he only would have netted me seven points, which was basically what every running back did in Week 2, which will forever go down in history as The Week Everybody Forgot How to Run Back.

Wine bottles

Photo Credit: Thinkstock

Preparing for Week 3

Hot off the heels of going 0-2 last week, I made a few key moves that likely won’t matter much. Over on the Rodgers end, the crappy Steelers D is gone, in favor of the Browns. It probably doesn’t matter, since again, I’ve never snatched a good defense ever. I don’t even know what they look like. I’ll bet they’re beautiful.

Also, Andre Johnson has a concussion, so it’s time to bench him until his brain gets better. First, I moved him to FLEX and Amendola to WR, so I could more readily swap Johnson out for Jermichael Finley. That’s called strategy, which will likely backfire once Johnson plays this week and scores 87 points on the bench. Luckily, there’s a liquor store just down the street.

Oh, and I attempted to drop Amendola again, this time in favor of Marlon Brown. This time around, Operation Stop-Listening-to-Grumpy-Uncle-Bill was a SUCCESS. Brown shows promise, so I benched Anquan Bolden so Brown could start. You guys probably want to start Bolden then.

I had a lot less to do on Breesy’s end, which is funny since they’re the 0-2 team. All I did was remember to put Edelman on the field this time, sticking him into the FLEX position and benching Ben Tate, who was bad last week and needs to be punished. But I felt no need to drop anybody; that’s the theory anyway. And I think I’ve established by now how good I am at theories.

By the time you read this, we’ll know how my week 3 moves turned out. I’ll be back in a few weeks, to let you know how I’m doing. If my next post is laden with typos and spelling errors, it’s because my teams have completely bombed, and I’ve been making the local liquor store owner a very rich man.

Check out the entire Diary of a Fantasy Football Loser series.

Stop in at the Man Cave Daily, where the women are hot and the beer is cold.

Jason Iannone is officially getting paid to chronicle his ineptitude. His mother must be so proud. Mock him and his failure on Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter.

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