By Jason Iannone

It’s football season, which means it’s fantasy football season, which means it’s time to lose! No matter how educated your picks are, you’re still rolling the dice with your players, hoping nobody gets hurt, or goes into a long slump, or murders somebody in cold blood. And since the dice are alive, and couldn’t honestly give less of a crap that you’ve got them in your hot little hand, praying for good luck, that makes winning at fantasy football just as much of a pure-luck scenario as scratching a lottery ticket.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun doing it!

Many good times have been had getting a fantasy league together to trade players, discuss match-ups and watch games. The only way a party like that can be spoiled is if, well, nobody’s there. Many leagues are online now. And, unless you somehow stumbled into unlimited funds, it’s all-but-impossible to fly 10-15 people from around the world to your home every week to drink beer and watch football.

Luckily, that’s where we come in (not the unlimited funds part; you’re on your own there.) We understand your situation: you want to have fun with your league and party hard, but they’re all so far away. Luckily, there are several totally legit solutions you can try.

Stupid on Computer

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4. Drink and Act Stupid on Skype/FaceTime

So everybody’s somewhere else? No problem, says technology. With chatting software such as Skype and FaceTime, it’s easier than ever to converse with people face-to-face, even if they’re in another country. If you and your buddies each set up your tablet or iPhone in a prime location, everyone can see everyone else’s living room, and it’ll be just like you’re all together, comparing teams and ribbing one another over stupid picks.Of course, everyone needs to play the part, which can be tough if, in the back of your mind, you know you’re the only one in the room. So you may need to drink heavily, which we’re assuming won’t be an issue. And then you need to do everything you would do at a real party. If you’re loud in front of your buddies, be loud in front of your Skype. If you do stupid things shirtless, do stupid things shirtless with FaceTime running. If you’re the guy who kinda fades into the background, quietly sipping and munching while everyone else goes crazy, do that as well. Just don’t expect many people to invite you into the next chat.

The only downside here is the same downside at a real party: uninvited crashers. In this case, it would take the form of drunken you stuffing your face with food, loudly cursing your bench QB for not producing … and then seeing “Mom would like to video chat.” Unless you have the ability to sober up on a dime, you’re screwed. You can either pretend you’re not there (which won’t work because she’s your mother and she knows). Or you can face the music, slur hi, and hope she doesn’t bring this up at the next 200 family gatherings.

Check out the top 10 tailgating cocktails.

Unsolicited Partying

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3. Unsolicited Partying At Random Bars

So glaring into a computer screen isn’t your idea of a good time. Fair enough. How about a bar then? Plenty of fantasy football parties are held there. But remember, your friends are elsewhere, and you didn’t bring along your tablet because that would be weird. So in short, you’re alone. Never forget your loneliness, lonely guy.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t party at the local pub anyway — you’ll just have to invite people who had no idea they were invited to a party at all. Namely, the other patrons. If there are more people than just you and the bartender, they need to become part of your wild and crazy bash, whether they like it or not. Go up to them and just start loudly bragging about your team and how you got a STEAL of a kicker by drafting one in the second round. Ask them who they got on their team. If they answer with anything but a scowl, be sure to mock them, as their picks can’t hope to compare to yours.

And since this is a party, help yourself to food and drink; the guests will understand. And if they don’t, and they punch you in the face and throw you out the window into the cold, cold night, you can just chalk it up to experience, and remind yourself to never party at that bar again. They’re too uptight for you anyway.

What does your fantasy football draft say about you as a tailgater?

Computer Stalker

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2. Stalk Your Party

Earlier, we established that you don’t have money. But what if you do? Maybe then you CAN fly your league to your place for a weekly fantasy party. Except, what if they don’t want to? Maybe you look like you smell bad. Maybe you’ve Liked one too many pictures of their sisters. Perhaps, during a prior FaceTime party, you admitted you only own one pair of underwear and wear it every day. Whatever the reason, the other people in your league are more than happy to keep the league online, far away from you.Except you have money, right? So what to do? Simple; you stalk everybody in your league, by hiring the best private investigator around to find them. You then fly to their homes, break in and force them to party with you. You eat together, you drink together, you bust each other’s humps over players who aren’t doing so well: anything you would do in an actual party that everybody wants to participate in, you do here as well.

Now, some of the more astute readers might detect one or more felonies committed during this plan, such as breaking and entering, kidnapping, harassment, and the like. Understandable; so if you choose to go this route, remember to get all your favorite aspects of the party out of the way quickly, before the cops come. Also, since you’ll probably only get to work this plan once, make sure you party with your favorite member of the league. No sense in wasting your one chance on a fringe member you have nothing in common with.

Also (and this is the most important advice of all,) don’t mention us to the cops. We’ve never met. In fact, we don’t exist. Capiche?

Learn the most important tailgating “don’ts.”

Imaginary Friends

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1. Hold an Imaginary Friends Fantasy League

If you’ve made it this far, and you still haven’t solved your party problems, then you probably just plain have problems. Nobody in the league actually wants you there, and the courts take “violation of the restraining order” very seriously.So what’s left? Simple: start your own separate league and invite all those members to a party. But here’s the catch: since nobody likes you, you’re the only real person in your league. Everybody else is inside your head — a TRUE fantasy league. Remember when you tried to play baseball without 17 other kids, designating “ghost” players to round out the teams? Well, it’s like that, only much more disturbing. Because your ghosts aren’t simply there to fill out your squad; they’re your party guests too. Luckily, they don’t eat much.

Of course, if you want these guests to do anything during your party, you need to help them along. You must dress up as each and every member of your “league,” and play their parts to perfection. Laugh loudly in 10-15 different ways, boast about 10-15 different starting QBs, and drink at least 65 beers, since that’s probably how many it will take to get 10-15 people drunk. In short, picture Norman Bates if he and Mother liked sports.

Aren’t you glad you come here for party advice?

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Jason Iannone is starting to realize why nobody invites him anywhere. Console him by being his buddy on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr.


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