Tailgaters, I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.
I had the perfect article lined up for this week. My plan was to research “extreme tailgaters.” And by that, I don’t mean sad Raiders fans who wear black and paint their face to try to look like fat goth kids. No, I meant tailgating in extreme places. You know, like on a mountaintop, or underwater. And you know what I found? Nothing. Not a single thing. Not a one of you has had the gumption to take to the seas and celebrate game day surrounded by the sons of Poseidon. No, you prefer to be safely landlocked, breathing your air and cooking with fire. Weak.
So instead, this week, instead of profiling extreme tailgaters, we’re going to offer up our suggestions for how YOU can be tailgating pioneers.
But before we get started, I need to preface these ideas: I am not a survival expert. I’ve never done most of the things I recommend below, and I have no idea how safe or dangerous these ideas may be. So if you try these, and get yourself hurt, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
And without further ado, here are our ideas for extreme tailgates.
Photo Credit: STR/AFP/Getty Images)
On a Mountaintop
On which mountaintop is up to you. I mean, let’s not go crazy and climb Everest or something. Wherever you’re going, you’re going to want it to be walkable enough that you can actually carry some supplies with you. Now, a grill could be tough, especially since you’ll need propane or some other kind of fuel to get things cooking. So you may want to consider, instead, pre-cooking your food and feasting when you get up there. Unless your plan is to build a fire pit out of rocks and sticks and cook things on a spit. And if that’s your plan, well la-dee-da. Look at Mr. Fancy Pants over here.
You’ll need to keep weight low, because you’re probably bringing a portable TV and batteries. That is, unless you’re high enough up that you can use a high-powered telescope to watch the game live.
As far as drinks? Actually, this is good news: more and more craft breweries are starting to put their beers in cans, specifically because it makes it easier for them to go camping. No reason why you can’t use ‘em for the same purposes. Check out the full line of Oskar Blues beers. They’re available in several markets across the country, and they’re exclusively in cans. Plus, they’re super tasty. As an added bonus, higher elevations mean you’ll get foggy headed with fewer beers. Don’t believe me? Ask our friends at Mile High Stadium. They’ll tell you what’s up.
Recommended for fans of: the WVU Mountaineers, the Denver Broncos, the Utah Utes.
Photo Credit: Christian Petersen/Getty Images
Now, this one could be tricky because you’ll mostly be using your mouth (“meat-eating hole”) for breathing-type purposes. Plus, this raises all sorts of an issue if you’re trying to cook anything. But that’s why you’ve gotta play this one smart! For instance, for grub? You’ve got two choices. Either grab a fish and eat some perfectly fresh sashimi John Rambo-style. Or, do your underwater tailgating nearby where people are tailgating on boats (see “Recommended for fans of” section). The nearby boat people will be so tickled at your seafaring gumption that they’ll be sure to cough up a burger or two. You just can’t eat it underwater.
Now, if that seems like it’s skirting the rules, that’s no problem because I’ve got the perfect fix. Question: how would you drink underwater? That’s easy. Just bring your snorkel. It’s a built in beer bong! Just float underwater, keep the snorkel out of water, and have a local sea captain pour beer down your gullet from the aft bow.
…also, please re-read the section about being careful with this article.
Recommended for fans of: University of Washington, University of Tennessee (both schools that “boatgate”).
Photo Credit: Timothy A. Clary/AFP/Getty Images)
In the Stadium Itself
Now, technically speaking I already crossed this one off the list when I attended the Kentucky Derby. However, that was sanctioned inner-park tailgating. This is a whole ‘nother bowl of gumbo we’re talking about. No, I’m talking about actually holding your tailgate in the stadium without permission. It’ll require a Solid Snake-level of stealth, and if you get caught, we will almost certainly disavow any knowledge.
The question is, though, how would you do it? And where? Logic would dictate that a big, ostentatious stadium would be ideal, since there are lots of distractions. But, with a big stadium comes a big security system. So, the Dallas Cowboys are out. Maybe a stadium with more jaded fans? I can’t see anyone involved with the Cleveland Browns busting you for smuggling eats into the stadium.
Actually, I take that back. I know the perfect team. This one is…
Recommended for fans of: The Detroit Lions.
Yep. Detroit just declared bankruptcy, meaning the city is in pretty dire straits. And not the “money for nothing” kind. The exact opposite, actually. But the point is, if there’s any city where they won’t notice a random garbage can fire — or the meat cooking over it — it’s this forlorn city. Plus, hey, Megatron.
So that’s our take, campers. Any other ideas for extreme tailgates? Let us know in the comments section.
PS – IN CASE YOU FORGOT, LAST SUNDAY WAS THE FINAL SUNDAY OF THE YEAR WITH NO FOOTBALL. Yeah, this month is all preseason stuff, but STILL. FOOTBALL. WOOT.
Check out Brian’s Tailgating Top 10s.
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