By Jason Iannone

Let’s face it; baseball isn’t the first sport you think of when planning your next tailgating adventure. In fact, it’s pretty much at the bottom of the list, hovering somewhere above snooker and competitive staring, on a good day.

How can anyone get worked up over a 162-game season for which everybody’s so damn laid back? Three hours of watching a bunch of guys standing on a freshly mowed lawn, successfully hitting a ball with a stick 30% of the time if they’re good at it, does not exactly inspire one to fire up the grill and excitedly holler at nothing in particular.

Until now, that is! We sat down and racked our collective hive mind for well over 10 minutes, and have devised five foolproof ways to make baseball more tailgate-friendly.

(Photo Credit: Thinkstock)

(Photo Credit: Thinkstock)

5. Only Tailgate For Interesting Games

Let’s face facts; most of a team’s 162 games mean absolute bupkis to all but the most hardcore fans. Pointless games include, but are not limited to: games against losing teams, games against boring teams and games opposite Dexter. Any of those scenarios come along, and you’d be forgiven for eschewing drinking, overeating and hanging with your buddies in favor of whittling, or perhaps ironing your socks.

Now obviously, you can’t forgo tailgating 100%, just because so many of the games are more forgettable than a white bread sandwich (a slice of white bread between two slices of white bread; yum yum.) So you pick and choose your battles, and only party when it truly matters. Break out the beers for division games, games against sworn rivals, games that could make or break your playoff hopes and games for which the network advertises some hilariously horrible quasi-celebrity singing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” Is Fred Durst booked anywhere yet?

(Photo Credit: Thinkstock)

(Photo Credit: Thinkstock)

4. 162 Different Drinking Games

Here are a few sample games you can play: feel free to use them, as long as you credit us and send $100 each time you do so. That’s only a few dollars per at-bat and, if the game goes extra innings, it’s suddenly an even better bargain!

Take a shot for:

  • Every time a player scratches their naughty bits. Any bit will do, as long as it’s naughty.
  • Every time the pitching coach makes a hand sign that looks like he’s desperately swatting at a batch of angry wasps.
  • Every time any player on either teams spits. It doesn’t matter what, honestly. Tobacco, gum, seeds, whatever; just drink. Don’t worry about overdoing it; that’s what 911 is for.
(Photo Credit: Thinkstock)

(Photo Credit: Thinkstock)

3. Pointlessly Loud Death Metal At All Times

Do you like the idea of tailgating each game, but don’t have the liver to handle several thousand shots per season? Then you’ll need to up the mood around the tube. If you just turn the game on, open a window and expect Nature to provide a quality soundtrack, you’ve got another thing coming. Chirping birds get real dull after awhile, no matter how pretty and precious they are.

Luckily, we have tunes, so crank them up and inject your tailgate with a heavy dose of RAWK. But not just any rawk; the stereotypical formula of “AC/DC + beer = party” simply will not do. No, you need to get hardcore if you want to survive all these baseball-related shindigs. Find yourself the blackest, most evil, most violent death metal imaginable, and turn it up to 17 (11’s so blah these days.) Dimmu Borgir, Meshugga, Cannibal Corpse, Children Of Bodom, Dying Fetus, any other band with a name guaranteed to make your grandmother throw up. That’s the only kind of music that could possibly get you through a sober season of baseball tailgating.

Just don’t invite Grandma; cleaning up old people vomit will kill a party every time.

(Photo Credit: Thinkstock)

(Photo Credit: Thinkstock)

2. Tiny Tailgates That Add Up Over Time

Still not happy? For a schmuck wasting time on the Internet, you sure are hard to please.

OK, if you want to party every day, don’t want to risk liver failure and can’t stand extreme blackened screamy death metal, try this: have yourself a tailgate every day, but make it as tiny, minimalist and nondescript as humanly possible. The idea here is that a slew of baby parties, over time, will eventually add up to the equivalent of a handful of blockbuster bashes. It’s simple addition, like the kind you were taught in school and then promptly forgot a week after graduation.

Screw burgers and hot dogs and steaks; just serve a bunch of hors d’oeuvres, the kind you can eat off a toothpick. As for booze, don’t worry about chugging down whole brews, or sucking down shots of Jack mixed with rum. Just do beer shots instead! Light beer, naturally. And for those special occasions when you MUST drink something more substantial, you may treat yourself to a strawberry wine cooler. But only if your team’s winning.

(Photo CredIt: Thinkstock)

(Photo CredIt: Thinkstock)

1. Tailgate For Single-A Ball

So maybe none of the above applies to you? Maybe you really want to party hard, drink and be rowdy, and don’t have the patience to pore over the schedule and figure out which games are worth a damn.

Perhaps Major League Baseball isn’t for you after all. Maybe you need to downgrade, and get your party on at the Single-A level. Teams only play 75 games or so, so the risk of tailgate burnout is minimal, at best.

Of course, don’t expect to party at the game; minor league ball clubs are in the business of attracting good, decent, wholesome people, who want to bring their good, decent, wholesome children to the ballpark for a fun-filled family outing. Chances are that you, your bros and your brews won’t fit the bill, and security will confirm this very swiftly, and possibly very painfully.

Hopefully, some local channel will carry the game, so you can still tailgate at home. If not, don’t worry. Football season’s only a few months away. In the meantime, click around and see if ESPN4’s airing some snooker highlights. You could theoretically drink to that.

Check out Tailgating Top 10s.

Stop in at the Man Cave Daily, where the women are hot and the beer is cold.

Jason Iannone is a humorist/editor for hire, and a Red Sox fan, so he’ll probably have MANY reasons to drink this year. Find him on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr, where he archives anything he writes from anywhere.


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