The Super Bowl is fast approaching, along with the obligatory Super Bowl parties. There’s a really good chance your home or campus, not to mention local bar, restaurant and crappy little bodega with the 20-year-old 11-inch TV, will be hosting tons of people eager to watch every second.
Obviously, this isn’t a bad thing. Few things are better than getting together with your buddies, cooking up a few platters of delicious food, guzzling beers and cheering on your favorite team (or the team you hate the least, if your boys didn’t make it). It only becomes a problem if any of the following wrong kinds of people show up. And they probably will, because true happiness in life is secretly illegal.
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5. Very Superstitious
Bud Light likes to remind you, at least 343,358,955 times per game, that waving your feet in front of the TV, or turning your labels out in a synchronized fashion, is perfectly acceptable behavior. While it’s cute for a commercial, it gets downright annoying in the real world, where most people realize Ray Lewis will play the exact same way, regardless of how many times they turn around in a circle while repeatedly yelling “Superman!” in their best Alvin and The Chipmunks voice.
All your party needs is one person insisting that everybody sit crisscross applesauce in a semicircle, or that nobody get up from the couch until the drive is done, or that everyone should pick their nose because he did it once and his team immediately went in a 28-0 run. After that, the vibe of the party suddenly shifts from YAY SUPER BOWL to WE WILL THROW YOU INTO THE BASEMENT AND LOCK IT FOREVER.
It becomes even more annoying when the superstitious person gets actively aggressive should you dare break the spell. The last thing we need is to walk into a room, chips and beer at the ready, only to have some yo-yo scream at us because we forgot to touch the team flag strategically placed above the door, where nobody looks. If that guy absolutely must stick around, make sure he only gets the crappy beer.
Only two fan bases are truly pumped for the Super Bowl; the other 30 markets pick a new team for one night only, sit back and enjoy the game in a casual, detached manner. Of course, not everybody can relax this way. Woe be unto your party if you accidentally invited ‘Who Cares?’. Why that name? Because every time either team does anything, be it score a touchdown, make a tackle or just generally exist, this winner will let everyone else know that they don’t give a crap, and you shouldn’t either. If it isn’t their team, it doesn’t matter.
Obviously, we all want our squad in the game, and it sucks when they lose. But grumbling the entire game about how boring this match up is, and how much better it would be if X team were there, and how X team should demand a federal investigation into how often they got screwed this year, doesn’t make friends. Just acknowledge that your team lost, remind yourself there’s always next year and enjoy that this year’s Super Bowl is a totally fresh, never-before-seen match up… and eat some damn chicken fingers.
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3. What’s A Football?
Football’s hard to understand, with more rules and sub-rules than the tax code. So you’re forgiven for not knowing every little nuance. But it’s a lot harder to forgive someone who literally knows next to nothing about it, and still attends a Super Bowl shindig. It’s like attending an Oscar party when you haven’t been to the movies since Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
If you ARE this person, and you’re only there because of food, or your lover dragged you there, or you think Colin Kaepernick is dreamy, or because Beyoncé is the halftime show and you just KNOW Destiny’s Child is gonna reunite in front of everybody, then it’s best not to expose yourself. If you’re quiet, pleasant and cheer when everyone else does, you should be OK. But the second you jump into the conversation with “so if it’s called football, how come only one guy uses his feet?,” you might as well just volunteer to make all the beer and pizza runs going forward. Because that’s exactly what’s going to happen.
Obviously, it sucks when your team loses. But life goes on, right? You groan in disgust, make a frown, then eat more pizza and you feel better. Well, tell that to the walking ball of stress whose team isn’t doing well, and reacts by hijacking your party with the most overly dramatic histrionics imaginable. If their team gives up a touchdown, they moan and yell so bad that they might as well be enduring a session on a medieval torture rack. They’d probably prefer that, honestly.
They’re constantly in hysterics, call for the referees’ heads dozens of times over and are always on the cusp of tears, if not already crying freely. After awhile, you start to wonder if the mob kidnapped their family, and will only release them if the home team does literally everything right. They must shut out the opposing team, score at least nine touchdowns in the process, incur no penalties, suffer no injuries and have a 100% first down conversion throughout. One tiny little slip-up, and BOOM go the brains.
In that case, it’s OK to feel bad for them. Otherwise, make damn sure they eat at least a dozen Prozac and listen to ten hours’ worth of soothing New Age music, before allowing them into any future parties.
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1. The PDA Squad
You know this one. Maybe you WERE this one. Two people have a wee bit too much to drink and become VERY much into each other. They’re clearly not into the game, and their heavy petting quickly turns loud and sloppy. The other guests can’t help but constantly glance in their direction, hoping those psychic brainwaves that cause “labels out” to be a real thing (allegedly) will also keep these two apart for the rest of the game, and perhaps even for the rest of eternity.
If it gets bad enough, guests may seriously consider pooling their money together to buy the lovebirds a motel room, just so they’ll take their business elsewhere. Barring that, you can probably just toss them out into the street, clad in whatever clothing they haven’t ripped off yet, and let them do their thing out there. If they fret about getting caught, remind them that most cops are nestled in their warm homes, eating chicken wings, drinking beer and calmly watching the Super Bowl. That should put their minds at ease.
Jason Iannone is a humorist and editor for hire. His Facebook is a rockin’ party, and his Twitter is the awesome after-party. Tumblr is where he rides out the hangover, and archives anything he writes from anywhere.