The holidays are upon us, folks, and you know what that means. Alcohol-fueled, tear-filled altercations with your family! And while this year’s “Incident ‘12” probably can’t top “Incident ‘07” (poor Aunt Carol), it’ll still leave your cousin with a permanent limp and a bad speech impediment.
So, like many Americans, let’s turn our attention from the brutal reality of suburban family life and instead focus on how we can watch some football and drink in public. Tailgate Fan offers up our favorite gifts for the tailgater in your life this holiday season.
You know what I’m talking about: these guys. They make for the perfect stocking stuffer, they’re easy to transport to your tailgate, and while drinking them you can pretend you’re a giant! “THE SACRIFICE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” you’ll scream while throwing down another imagined 200 ounces of Grand Marnier, “THE VILLAGE WILL SUFFER AND THE CROPS WILL BURN!” The only problem is that, so far as we can tell, the only way to get your hands on these is by taking flights and ordering drinks, meaning the minimum investment is about $1,200 per stocking. The good news: that’s incentive to travel with your team all year!
I’ve heard it said that the very best ideas are the ones you can explain in one sentence. In fact, the fewer words needed, the better. That’s why I couldn’t be more excited about the idea of a hoodie… with a beer holder. Science has already proven that, statistically, hoodies are the best articles of clothing a person could wear. Now add in the convenience of a pouch that holds your beer, and you may as well throw out all your other clothes. This is especially perfect for those December tailgates where you can barely feel your hands and you’re not wearing gloves for some reason.
I’ve got bad news for you folks. If you are dating or married to a tailgating fanatic, the closest he or she will ever get to a tree won’t be in your backyard — it’ll be near Lot E where they’re trying to go #1 because the port-o-potty lines are too long. Still, giving him or her a nice ornament that says “Spaceship plus vertical suitcase = ants on your face” will mean that their outdoor peeing experience can feel a little more like home. (Ed. Note – that’s “grill plus beer equals happiness”).
“Ew,” says the girl you tried to impress in college, “I hate gin. It tastes like Christmas! UGH!” Well. In 2012 while she’s enjoying her marriage to second-string quarterback “Blake,” you get the real prize: a lifetime of savoring the sharp, piney, refreshing flavors of gin. The only issue is, while we like the stuff, we’re not aficionados. Stick to the respected-yet-popular stuff like Tanqueray and Bombay Sapphire. Go on. Class up your next tailgate with a martini or two. Then, lovingly caress your glass while cooing “oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree / you elevate my BAC…”
Here we have a plate that fits over your bottle of beer, so you can carry everything with one hand. I’m putting it on the list because I think it’s handy. But more than that, I’m just picturing the one stupid jerk who tries to take a swig out of his beer without removing the plate first and covers himself with hot wings and chips. So, depending on your tailgate’s company, this gift is either perfect and convenient or a prank waiting to happen.
I would like to state, for the record, that I find novelty-sized humor to be one of the funniest things out there. Consider: giant tennis racket — gold! Huge martini glass — outstanding! Big beer and sunglasses — terrific! That’s why I love this novelty-sized flask. Remember, flasks are supposed to be discreet. Owning one this big spits in the very face of logic. Even better, it’s engravable! Hell, with a flask that size, you could get some full books on there. “Pass me the whiskey.” “I can’t, I’m reading The Hunger Games.”
Just… if you try to sneak in to the stadium with this, please don’t tell us how you plan on doing it.
There’s nothing worse than needing a beer now (dammit! Right now!!) when all you have is some lukewarm malarkey that’ll take 30 minutes to cool, even in a freezer. First of all, if you’re hosting a tailgate and you didn’t consider the problem of cold beer beforehand — shame on you. Go back and read our entire website from the beginning. Secondly, if you do need a little assist, there’s always the rapid beer chiller. Through incantations of black magic and a deal with Mephistopheles himself, this product can chill your beer in just five minutes. Meanwhile, we still haven’t figured out how to cure blindness, backaches or the common cold.
You know who’s adorable? People that drink only one beer at a time. Like they just finished their elocution lessons and are awaiting news on the tea shipment from Hemfordshirewittfrumhepterwilliger. I’ll remind you that, as an American preparing for a football game, it’s your civic duty to drink as much as you can in the shortest amount of time possible. Seems to me like the perfect time for a six-pack beer holder! What’s even better is that it’s camouflaged, so the Soviets can’t find your beer if your tailgating location is ever compromised. Drink up, patriot!
Holy crow is this a cool idea! You can actually buy a brand so you can brand your steaks or loved ones so everyone will know who they belong to! Sure, you can choose to do a team brand, but for true, steak-personalizing enjoyment, there’s nothing quite like the customized four-letter brand! The possibilities are endless here, dudes. You can have a steak that says CRAP, FART, BOOB, TOOT, BUTT, F*** or S***! What about a metal series of steaks? RATT, ACDC, RUSH, TOOL. Heh, “TOTO”! Like, “Meat you all the way… Rosaaaaannna!” Ha haaa! Terrific.
A lot of breweries specialize in seasonal beers. And a few of them have really nailed down the whole holiday business. You absolutely can’t go wrong with Anchor’s Christmas Ale, which changes up its recipe every year. If you’re suffering the bleak eternal greyness of the Midwest, check out Great Lakes Brewing Company’s award-winning (and limited batch and therefore extremely hard to get) Christmas Ale. Regarding Troeg’s 11% ABV Mad Elf, I can only tell you to have a Costco-sized bottle of aspirin handy. And for our Jewish friends, while He’Brew: The Chosen Beer (made by the Schmaltz Brewing Company) doesn’t specifically make a Hanukkah beer, it’s well worth your time to track down a few bottles of their brew. In fact, why not celebrate with their Sweet 16: “Celebrating 16 years of delicious beer & delicious schtick… l’chaim!” Stock any of these at your cold weather tailgates for an awesome, festive celebration.
Now, because it’s the holidays, I’m going to give you all a bonus entry. This year, for your tailgating loved one, don’t forget the gift that they’ll need most after coming home. I’ve even linked it for you here.
To that end, I wish ALL of you a happy holiday season. So grab your favorite varietal of nog (egg or otherwise), hit the parking lot and enjoy your December.
Brian Cullen thinks it’s funny when you change “All I Want for Christmas is You” to “All I Want for Christmas is Booze” because it’s TRUE. You can follow his tweets @bucketcullen or on the tumblrs at briancullendotgeocitiesdotfart.tumblr.com.