HOUSTON - SEPTEMBER 12: Greg Duncan of Houston, TX sips on a beer while tailgating before the NFL season opener game between the Indianapolis Colts and Houston Texans at Reliant Stadium on September 12, 2010 in Houston, Texas.Photo Credit: Ronald Martinez/Getty Images
Billy Shakespeare once said, “Discretion is the better part of valor.” Especially taken out of context as it is, I, for one, have no idea what that means. But I’m going to go ahead and assume that The Bard was basically saying, “Hey homeboys, when yer sippin’ on yer night-night juice, make sure you’ve got the right glasses, and keep it on the DL as needed, ya heard?” I bet leading literary critics would agree.
The point is, much like the climax of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, the right drinking vessel will probably make or break your entire life. So take a gander at these beauts and hopefully you’ll choose wisely.
The brilliance of the Stadium Sippin’ Seat is that it doubles (duh) as a seat, meaning that, after some stretches, you can probably literally get drunk off your ass. And while the appeal of sitting down and blasting a cushion full of martinis into your mouth (…made with SEATgrams gin? HMMMMM!?) is pretty high, what do you do when the cushion is empty? Sit down on the hard metal bleachers like some kind of unwashed peasant? You’re an American, dammit! You sit on a bag full of Tanqueray and be modest with your sips!
Just look at this thing. This is disgraceful. It’s a gigantic belly that you put over your already fat belly, and then fill with beer. So then you’re drinking the beer, which travels from your fake belly, through your real mouth, down your real esophagus, and into your real belly. First of all, try to forget how this sweaty, boozy, rubbery thing is going to smell, and how you’re going to justify bringing this to a laundromat or whatever. Now consider that — from real belly to fake belly — this is just about the most overly circuitous route the booze could take. Not that I’m advocating some kind of IV system for delivering alcohol straight into your system but…
I’m disgusted that nobody had the wherewithal to call these lousy things “Winoculaurs.” It’s right there! Anyway, if I were making a 1980s commercial about the (ahem) Winoculaurs, I’d have Dick van Patten looking through them. And his wife would be all like, “What are you looking for, honey?” and he’d be like, “PROOF!” And then we’d sort of milk the play on words that “proof” refers to how much alcohol is in a thing.
Remember that awesome surprise party last night? The one where your friends and family all talked to you about how good you were at drinking? And your mom cried over your party skills and your dad told you that you were self-medicating? This would have been PERFECT for that! This prescription beer ban holder shows the world that you’re okay with taking care of yourself. WOOT!
This handy little invention makes cleanup a breeze! With the glasses themselves made out of ice, you’ll never have to worry about sharing germs or washing out shot glasses. Just huck ‘em at opposing fans!* (*Please don’t. -Ed.). Here’s a fun drinking game: see how many shots you can fit in before the ice glass melts. If you can do more than five, maybe take a cab home?
Leave it to mankind to invent a thing that pretty much already exists (in this case, shotgunning a beer = can of beer + car keys). In fact, after reading through the instructions of the Beer Bong Mug a couple of times, I still don’t know how it works. It sounds vaguely like a colonoscopy (unhook the tube from the side, lift the base higher than your head, etc. etc.). Still, someone thought of a way to power-blast through 32 ounces of beer in a few seconds. So, excelsior, I suppose.
Someone, once upon a time, must have said to himself in this thick, German accent: “Vat vould happen if zere vas a bra filled mit vine!?” And here you have it. The wine rack. It’s a thing that ladies where over their parts and what-have-you, which can be filled with — but is not necessarily limited to — wine. Similar to the Stadium Sippin’ Seat, this product is something of a double-edged sword. On the one hand, if you’re drinking booze out of a grown woman’s undergarments, then you’ve got enough issues to make Freud spin in his grave. On the other hand, the more you drink it, the smaller the boobs get. Truly, this is an ironic curse bestowed at the behest of the devil himself.
Now this is a brilliant invention. What you do here is you wrap your beer with an old soda can, and voila! Perfect camouflage! Now, you can buy these online and they have fake names, like “Skunkpiss” instead of “Sunkist” (because, you see, the kids these days with their vulgar turns of a phrase and what have you). But some intrepid souls will make their own, and, as they say, you can’t beat the real thing. What I love is that this graphic (featuring “before” and “after” shots and an “EFF YEAH!”) was not done by me. This guy on eBay did it for his own auction.
Use these drinking vessels wisely, dear tailgater. In the right circumstances they can help make your party even better. But in the wrong hands, well, you’re probably going to get arrested. BE SAFE!