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Top 10 Tailgating Costumes

By Brian Cullen
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Raven Juggalos (Photo Credit: Larry French/Getty Images)

Raven Juggalos (Photo Credit: Larry French/Getty Images)

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Some naysayers might believe that wearing a costume to go tailgating is taking things “a little too far.” But those people are funslayers. We’ve already agreed that drinking in a parking lot is awesome, and then spending the cash outfitting a vehicle for the express purpose of partying three hours a week is awesome. Why, then, would the willing suspension of disbelief erode right at the point of football Halloween? It’s silly, is what is is. That’s why today Tailgate Fan pays homage to the greatest tailgating costumes in all the land.

11. Raven Juggalos

Yeah, they’re #11 because I can’t include what looks to be purple-toned Juggalos in a top 10 list. So, fair readers, we’re just going to not have a #10 on this list if it’s cool with you.

I don’t really know what to make of this. First of all, why the hell does the military even make purple camouflage? Are we playing Risk and invading Australia? Oh, wait, that’s a civilian company that made purple camo? Why would they do that?

Sometimes, this country… I don’t get it.

So one of them is a “Maniac,” according to the label on his pants. And one is wearing a penguin around his neck? And I shudder to think that they got their beads by flashing their beefy, sweaty, C-cup manboobs.

This is weird and gross. Ravens fans who are also Juggalos. I’d love to talk literature with these guys. Now, some of you might be saying “but THEY’RE not Juggalos, they’re just guys wearing face paint!” But once we’re splitting hairs over who is and who is not a Juggalo, that’s when I’ve hit rock bottom. And why would you know that anyway?

10. Banana Suit

Just kidding. The Banana Suit is #10, no matter what tailgate you’re at. Always hilarious.

Body Suits (Photo Credit: Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images)

Body Suits (Photo Credit: Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images)

9. “The Green Man”

I’m giving this costume the good ol’ quotation mark because it was first made famous in green by It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. But these days, the full bodysuit comes in pretty much every color — not just green. While it’s not the flashiest costume out there, it’s always a solid, reliable classic.

8. Tailgating Wizard

This here fella is wearing a costume in some pretty loose terms, but we’ll give it to him for a couple of reasons. 1) Rumor has it that this tailgating wizard is a regular at the Meadowlands, so he gets some “dedication” points. And 2) If he makes a new wizard’s staff for every game, that’s truly impressive. To put this in perspective, I’m 6’6” and I’m 17 beers tall. And Slamdalf the Grey is about 17 beers deep today, according to this picture. When you start making weapons out of spent beer cans, you can start bending the costume-making rules too.

7. Gigantic Pom Pom

The coolest part about Gigantic Pom Pom? He makes money on the side by helping cars dry off when they come out of the car wash.

Jetman (Photo Credit: Brian Cullen)

Jetman (Photo Credit: Brian Cullen)

6. Jetman

If you read my columns (Hi, Aunt Susan! Hope detox is going well!), then you know I mentioned Jetman in my “Battle For New York” articles a couple of weeks ago. Jetman’s powers include drinking on Sundays and posing like a sexy beast next to his stripper pole, which he also brings to every game. He also had one of the most impressive sound systems I’ve ever heard.

5. Alabaman

Now, there are a lot of folks out there making superhero costumes for their tailgate, but Alabaman gets special notice, for several reasons. First of all, I like saying “Alabaman.” Go on! Give it a try. Pretty swell, huh? Confession: I don’t know if that’s his actual name. I made it up. It’s probably something lousy like “Crimson Pride” or some garbage.

Secondly, his costume looks respectable enough. Like, I can see Alabaman being a side character in Kick Ass, you know?

But perhaps my favorite part about Alabaman is that, between his hair and his stature, he looks like kind of like a weenie. I’m thinking somewhere between Burt Ward (not Robin, that real-life Burt Ward) and a pre-Captain America Steve Rogers. Now, I’m sure he’s got all sorts of gizmos and gadgets hidden around that there costume. I’m just saying, I wouldn’t put it past a henchman to get a few solid punches in. Especially if said henchman was decked out in Texas A&M gear.

Yep. I know I’ve already made that joke. But I’m just going to keep on going back to that well.

4. These Bengals Fans

This entry is kind of a cheat, since this was taken at Halloween. But surely, anyone that was born between 1975-1985, give or take, can appreciate these costumes. The last time The Legion of Doom, The Ultimate Warrior, Teen Wolf and what appears to be some kind of goat wearing old-timey pajamas team up for any kind of cause, it was beating up Saddam Hussein and his army of robots in that dream I had in sixth grade. And that was an AWESOME night! So if anecdotal evidence tells us anything, these guys are a blast.

3. Ohio State Iron Man

I hate Ohio State. I really do. But you have to give the nod to the fella what spent his time crafting this very cool looking Ohio State uniform. Although, one has to question the authenticity. I don’t know that Stark Industries ever suffered such severe NCAA infractions.

2. Tron Nation

Everything about this is equal parts impressive and ridiculous. First, I’d like you to take note that they’ve made sure that the Lady Tron has some kind of metallic boobs. But they’ve also made sure that at least one of the Trons has a rotund metal hiney.

Wait, why did you say “holy crap” after clicking that link? Oh, that’s right, the first picture doesn’t do it justice. Tron Nation is GIGANTIC. I don’t even want to posit a guess as to their stature because it’ll be wrong. In fact, you would not regret checking out their entire website.

Now, you’re probably looking at these gargantuan robots, wondering who on earth could put together a better costume than this.

Well…

1. KEGGY!!!

Keggy is so good that he makes me angry. I’m angry that I didn’t think of this, and I’m angry that, right now, nobody knows where Keggy is.

I don’t even want to write jokes. Look at him! LOOK AT HIM! He’s like if Spuds McKenzie was an anthropomorphic keg. And that smile! He’s ready for Andrew WK levels of partying! If I was ever at a bar, and Keggy came blasting through the doors like some drunk Kool-Aid man, it would make my entire year.

See the Top 10 Best Tailgating Songs.

Even though at no point have I been able to track down proof that Keggy is strictly a tailgating costume (especially since he’s the mascot at perennial football house-of-sad Dartmouth). But I will bend and break every rule for Keggy. In fact, you know what? Keggy is now the #1 on every list I’ve ever written for Tailgate Fan. Best tailgating college? The University of Keggy Kegman. Best NFL team? The Keg City Hangovers. Best tradition? Keg tosses.

So here’s to you, Keggy, you crazy-eyed, euphoric trashcan full of beer. You have made my life better in so many ways.

And there you have it — the veritable Superfriends of the Stadium, defeating dignity from here to kingdom come. Why not join them for your next tailgate? All you need is some duct tape, a lack of inhibitions and IMAGINAAAATIOOOOOONNN!

Check out more Tailgating Top 10s.

Stop in at the Man Cave Daily, where the women are hot and the beer is cold.

Brian Cullen didn’t dress as Sasquatch, jerk. That’s just what he looks like. Follow him on Twitter @bucketcullen or on his tumblr at briancullendotgeocitiesdotfart.tumblr.com.

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