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Top 10 Tailgating Cocktails

By Brian Cullen
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Photo Credit: Thinkstock

Photo Credit: Thinkstock

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Legendary drinker Frank Sinatra once said, “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” He also said, “You call this spaghetti carbonara!? I’ll kill you! I’ll kill your mother! I’LL KILL YOUR ENTIRE LOUSY FAMILY!” But that second quote isn’t really relevant to this article.

Point is, as good as game day is, sometimes the right cocktail can make it even better. That’s why we recommend these 10 drinks for your next tailgate. Now, of course, you’ll want to stay hydrated and make sure you eat a hearty meal. But, on the other hand, you can’t “drink all day” unless you start in the morning.

irish coffee1 Top 10 Tailgating Cocktails

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10. Irish Coffee

Most tailgates start pretty early in the day (if not a few days earlier). That means that many of you will want to get a hot cup of coffee in your system before tailgating. Now, the official ingredients of Irish Coffee are: coffee, Irish whiskey, brown sugar and cream. For the hobo version: just mix Folgers crystals, cool whip, plastic bottle whiskey, cumin, Mrs. Dash and boom, the sky’s the limit, baby! [Aaron Neville voice]: “The best part of wakin’ up / is whiskey in your cup!”

9. A Shot Consisting of a German Herbal Liqueur and an Energy Drink

I’m not expressly advocating Jager Bombs because then I’d have to set myself on fire. But, at the end of the day, it’s easy to make and it does its job: it has some hooch, as well as plenty of caffeine and B vitamins to keep you going for game day. Also, taurine and guarana… which may as well be bat poop for all I know.

8. Screwdriver

“Because you can’t fix anything – without a Screwdriver™.”

7. Flaming Doctor Pepper

Okay, people. Be careful with this one. Seriously, be really, really careful here and stay away from everything even remotely flammable and/or inflammable. I don’t care if they mean the same thing. Just do it.

So here’s how you make it. Fill a shot glass with amaretto. Top it with 151. Set it on fire. Do not get any 151 on yourself because one time I set my hand on fire doing this. I also had a friend burn all the hair off of his arm. So, caution. Anyway, then, drop the shot into a half glass of beer. Then drink quickly. Tastes exactly like Dr Pepper. And then you’ll be all like, “Huh. I’ll be damned.” Because that’s how EVERYONE is after their first one.

alabama slammer Top 10 Tailgating Cocktails

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6. Alabama Slammer

This one’s easy: just mix OJ, vodka, Southern Comfort, sloe gin and amaretto and you’ve got yourself an Alabama Slammer. Or, as they’ve officially renamed it as of November 10th, “The Johnny Manziel.” BOOOOOOM! OH HELL NO!

5. Vodka Cran

Also known as the Cape Codder. I don’t know if it’s just my ridiculous friends, but I feel like in the past the vodka cran has been maligned as a “girl drink.” This is ridiculous for three different reasons, 1) It’s very refreshing! 2) There’s no such thing as a “girl drink.” If you like something, enjoy it. Let those insecure bastards waste their time casting aspersions on what gender can drink what. And 3) If anyone does give you guff, just remember what happened the last time someone questioned cranberry juice at a drinking event.

4. Jell-O Shots

“Now hold on a dadgum second!” says southern gentleman Colonel Buzz Killington, “Jell-O shots ain’t a cocktail! They’re a Jell-O!” This point is well received, but bear with me. At most stadiums, crappy beers are $10 apiece. At some collegiate stadiums, beers aren’t for sale at all. That’s the beauty of the Jello-O shot strategy. See, Jell-O shots are time released. So all you need to do is pop a couple before heading into the stadium, and voila! You’ll maintain a consistent buzz all throughout the game.

By the way, that sound you just heard was my entire family planning an intervention at the holidays.

3.  Beer (with an umbrella in it)

Don’t you dare call shenanigans on me! If it has a cocktail umbrella in it, it counts as a cocktail!

Anyway. This is a beauteous thing. It’s got one ingredient, it’s cold, it’s refreshing, and it’s plentiful. What more could you want? Yes, besides a cure for your crippling depression. That’s why you’re drinking in the first place, dum dum.

Check out the Top 10 Tailgating Beers.

2. Apple Pie Moonshine

D- do you guys need a second to catch your breath after reading that? I sure do. Let’s all take a moment.

Everyone good? Good. Okay, so mix apple cider, apple juice, cinnamon sticks, sugar and a terrifying amount of Everclear together. And then let it sit. Yeah yeah, I know, you would have appreciated hearing about this before Thanksgiving, but come on. Like you wouldn’t slam this down at any point in the year. Make sure to let it marinate for a month of so. And then? Boom, next thing you know, you’re in Narnia, baby.

bloody mary Top 10 Tailgating Cocktails

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1. Bloody Mary

Do you like getting drunk on salad? Do you wish you had an excuse to pound Worcestershire sauce 9 AM? Well good news, you filthy, degenerate drunk: Bloody Marys (…Bloody Maries?) are a thing that exists! This classic cocktail earns our #1 spot thanks to the fact that it’s rife with B vitamins, potassium, lycopene and other terrific stuff. Here’s an easy recipe: mix tomato juice and vodka, and then throw in as many green things as you can find. Celery, olives, limes, mint leaves, kiwis, crayons, avocado, Ecto Cooler, paint, a Hartford Whalers jersey. Anything. What the heck. Let’s get weird.

So there you have it, 10 easy drinks to keep the flashbacks at bay. And remember, this an exhaustive list. There are literally no other drinks you’re allowed to drink at a tailgate. Sorry you had to find out like this, people.

Check out more Tailgating Top 10s.

Stop in at the Man Cave Daily, where the women are hot and the beer is cold.

Brian Cullen almost put Irish whiskey on here, but he prefers Powers to Jameson and that’d just lead to people yelling at him. Anyhoot, follow him on the twitters @bucketcullen or on the tumblrs [sic] at briancullendotgeocitiesdotfart.tumblr.com.

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