Listen up, team.
Football season is a dangerous time. Not just the players (is Toby Gerhart starting yet?) but for you as well. And while you might not find any relief in ice baths or support tape, we do have an easy cure for these 10 tailgating-related injuries.
10. The Shakes
If you’re undergoing withdrawal from having a little too much fun, you might suffer from the shakes, also known as “delirium tremens.” Cure it with a little hair of the dog. Or, Delirium Tremens.
Tailgating demands that you expose your skin to hours of punishing sunlight. For instant relief, ignore those quacks receiving kickbacks from the sunscreen industry. Instead, slather your skin in Irish cream liqueur. It’ll protect your skin, and you’ll smell great!
Due to the early wake-up times and long hours, many tailgaters complain of fatigue by midseason. You need protein, which you can find in ribs, burgers and bratwursts. Also, drink wheat beer. It’s an excellent source of B-vitamins. This is actually legitimately true.
Photo Credit: Matt Ludtke/Getty Images
Especially for our northern friends, the late-season games can lead to freezing temperatures. So, purchase a St. Bernard and attach a flask of brandy to his neck. If you ever need to warm up, simply lie on the ground and Beethoven will take care of you.
Typified by cotton mouth and/or a pounding headache, dehydration has felled many a mighty tailgater. But there’s good news! The main ingredient in beer is water! Keep drinking and your body will find a way to soak up all that beautiful hydration. Because SCIENCE!
5. Swollen Id
“Swollen Id” is characterized by increased confidence, enjoyment of music, and the desire to talk to that attractive person right now. Unfortunately, there’s no cure. Gotta shoot to score, right? Go over and say hi. Also, dance. People with swollen ids are AWESOME dancers.
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4. Bicep Strain
After a season’s worth of tailgating, the 12-ounce lifts catch up to you. Raising another can is just too painful to fathom. So how do you fix it? Switch hands. Dummy.
This all too common injury affects even the mightiest tailgaters from time to time. If you’ve tossed your cookies, you lost all that precious Vitamin Hooch! Not to mention the burger and brat rolls to soak up all the bad stuff. Get in there and keep going!
Sometimes, tailgaters can get a touch of the vertigo — a none-too-pleasant sensation that makes you feel like you’re dizzy all the time. Also, that’s not vertigo. You’re just drunk. Go sit down.
1. Tailgate Exhaustion
The big enchilada of tailgate injuries. Legend has it that one can attend too many tailgates, which leads to tailgate exhaustion — the loss of interest in attending any future games. But there’s good news! “Tailgate Exhaustion” is a made up superstition perpetrated by the Soviets during the Cold War to scare us away from football. As a result, no cure is needed, so go watch Rocky IV and tell Gorbachev where he can stick it!
In conclusion, I am not now nor have I ever been a medical professional, and none of my advice should ever be considered for anything ever. Be careful out there, kids.
And drink more water.
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Dr. Cullen is being investigated in several countries for his “walk it off, have another beer and a cheeseburger” treatments. His medical advice can be found on Twitter @Bucketcullen.